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Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Dr. Elna Rudolph answers a few questions about sex.

My partner wants to try anal sex more often, but I don’t enjoy it. I’m worried that if I don’t do it, he will feel unfulfilled…

There are certain no-no’s when it comes to sex in relationships and they are different for each couple. The one might never want to have sex unless she first had a shower, the other will never allow oral sex, and another will not do it with the lights on. These taboos should be respected by the partner, but it does not mean that they cannot shift when the reasons behind them are explored and some basic information with specific suggestions are given in the form of sex education or formal therapy.

When it comes to anal sex being one of the taboos, there are usually two reasons: Firstly some people have religious or moral issues with it. These can be quite difficult to shift and should sometimes just be respected. The other reason is that it is just too uncomfortable and therefore really not enjoyable. Guys expect that they will be able to just penetrate their partners as easily as it looks in porn. The reality is that most people have to go through a process to get used to being stimulated first around and then in the anus. Start with some light touch and rubbing and then move to inserting a well lubricated little finger and then progressively go larger from there. If you are really committed to it, you could also practice by yourself to get used to what it takes for the anal sphincter to relax. Like any muscle, it has the ability, but it takes time. If you perceive the attempt at penetration to be threatening and you anticipate the pain, the muscle will just go into spasm and make it more difficult and unpleasant.

How many times a week is it normal to masturbate? I’m in a long-term relationship and masturbate at least once a week, but my partner says he never does.

It depends on many things. If there is so-called “desire discrepancy” in a couple (which is the case in most relationships!) the partner with the higher desire is left frustrated if he or she does not masturbate. Masturbating is also a form of self-loving and soothing. You might get something completely different from masturbating than what you get from sex and therefore remain to have a need for it although you are in a very sexually fulfilling relationship. More than five times a week probably becomes excessive (according to international definitions anyway). It is also normal to never masturbate if you are in steady relationship. Whatever works for you.

I found a stash of lesbian porn on my husband’s computer and watched a video out of curiosity. It really got me off. What does this mean? Am I a closet lesbian?

Not necessarily. Up to 80% of women get turned on by some girl-on-girl action! You are a lesbian (if we have to use such a rigid term) if you would like to build a life with another woman. If lesbian porn excites you, you have just expanded your repertoire of excitement and fantasy.

I sometimes feel like my husband and I are more in the best friend zone than sexually connected. What can I do to get the spark back?

Make sure that you create special experiences when it comes to sex. The longer the relationship, the more difficult it is to create more and more exciting sexual experiences and then you get stuck in a rut.

It is however possible to create a special experience in a different way each time. Take time to make love through sensual massages and external stimulation, do the romantic candle lights and special music thing, make regular dates for love making, increase the oxytocin (bonding hormone) between you by looking each other in the eye, hugging and cuddling – all things to make a concerted effort to say: this is a special relationship with an intimate bond, not merely a friendship.

The more you are like friends, the more difficult these things are, but get started sooner rather than later!

How do I get my partner to go down on me more often?

Ask for it! Make sure you have the hair and hygiene under control and buy some special lubes that taste nice to encourage him. Returning the favor also goes a long way in encouraging him! (His favour might not be oral sex, it might be something else he loves that you are not doing frequently – find out what that is).

My guy doesn’t know how to make me climax – while he’s well-endowed, he’s not an expert at making it work. How do I nudge him in the right direction?

Firstly, you have to be honest about the fact that you are not getting there. Make it about you, not him. Tell him that there is only a specific way that works for you to come and you want to show him how to help you to get there. Show him how you do it and let him get involved in taking over more and more of the stimulation each time.

If he is offended by this and does not want to cooperate, think twice about sorting out a budget or raising kids with him!

How do I tell if he has an STI?

Sometimes you see a discharge, sore, blister, bump or wart in your genital area. It might have a bad smell or burn when you urinate. The reality is that most of the times you won’t even know about it. You will have to get tested.

I’ve just woken up from a night of tantric sex, but I’ve broken out in a nasty rash – I think it might be from the latex condoms we used. Are there any others we could try?

You could get latex-free condoms, but they are very difficult to find. Order them off the internet. It can also be due to oils you used for massaging.

I’m really in love with my partner but I struggle to get turned on by him. What should I do?

Check your hormone levels. Getting turned on is heavily dependent on testosterone. If you are taking an oral contraceptive, it breaks down and block your testosterone and therefore it is difficult to become sexually aroused. Some women just don’t produce enough testosterone. It can be supplemented through the skin, though. Never ever through injections!

My partner is amazing in bed, but he enjoys taking drugs before sex. I sometimes do it with him, but it bothers me that he wants to be high when we’re having sex. How do I tell him?

Be honest about it. tell him that you value the relationship and that you would like to have real intimacy with him and not just a fun, exhilarating experience. Ask him to do it your way every second time.

My partner is always super aroused when we’re in public, and not so much in private. While the thrill of getting caught is sexy, I’m over the riskiness. How do I get him to be as aroused when we’re at home?

It has to do with his sexual arousal template that was probably formed in his brain before the age of nine! He will have to learn that he has a very rigid arousal template and that it can actually be adapted and expanded. He also has to learn that sex is sometimes not that exciting, sometimes it is more special and for the purpose of bonding than for the purpose of that ultimate high. Guys with a rigid arousal template often have problems with real intimacy and if the problem is really severe, it should be addressed in therapy.

I’m very attracted to my partner, but during sex, I get uncomfortable and clamp up. How do I get over this?

That sounds like it could be vaginismus. We are a team of professionals that specialise in helping women deal with this problem. I wish there was a one-liner answer to that one, but unfortunately there isn’t. It’s usually caused by a combination of medical conditions, childhood trauma, religious upbringing with excessive guilt, poor sex education, psychological as well as relationship issues. These all need to be addressed for you to stop clamping up with the man you love.

Help! His penis is too big!

You can use muscle relaxants, better lube, vaginal dilators and even physiotherapy to get over this hurdle! There is also a device from Pure Romance, called Super Stretch Lips, that you can put over his penis to keep a part of it outside of the vagina during intercourse, but it is usually the girth that is the problem. Make sure you have pleeently of foreplay in order for your body to get ready for penetration.

Help! His penis is too small!

Make sure you get satisfied before penetration happens. You can also do kegel exercises and even see a physiotherapist that specialises in the area to help you strengthen your muscles in order to “feel” him better. A device like a We-Vibe also helps to improve the sensation during penetration if you need more than what he ‘has to offer’.

My boyfriend asked me to stick a finger in his bum while we were having sex. At first, I wasn’t keen, but eventually I agreed, and he said he had the most intense orgasm ever. Now he wants to do it all the time. Does this mean he’s gay?

No, not at all! It just means that he has discovered his p-spot. The nerve that supplies sensation this area is the same as the one that supplies your clitoris, so you do the math.

My new boyfriend has marathon-runner stamina in the bedroom. Sex goes on forever. I actually start getting bored and sometimes even chafed. How can I make him come faster?

Ask him to! If he can’t, he has what is called delayed ejaculation. Although it is a difficult condition to treat in sex therapy or sexual medicine, it can be done. Firstly, check if he is not on anti-depressant drugs that may be causing the problem. That can easily be changed to a different type, if it is the case. You can also tell him that you will help him come in another way or he can get himself there (which is usually much quicker) but you are only up for ten minutes of penetration in any one round (the vagina struggles to stay lubricated for longer than that in most women).

I want to do a striptease for my guy but I’m really uncoordinated and I’m worried it’s going to be more comedy than sexy. What’s the best costume to wear that’s easy and sexy to remove?

Probably a man’s shirt, tie and a top hat. Make sure you have the sexy stockings with dispensers and heals that you can still move in to complete the outfit (or at least that is what I’m told by the Carmen Electra Strip Tease DVD that was given by a friend! Not exactly the content covered in a Master’s Degree in Sexual Health!).

I don’t feel pain during sex, but afterwards, I bleed for two to three days, as if I’m having a period. What’s up?

You probably have an infection. See a gynae or doctor who knows something about this as soon as possible! Worst case scenario – it might be a cancer, so don’t wait!

I had my period twice last month. Google says it may be due to stress and my diet. But now I’m feeling some pain below my stomach. What could it be?

Ovarian cysts can cause abnormal bleeding and lower abdominal pain. You need to see a gynae or at least get a pelvic ultrasound done.

What can I do to reduce wetness before and during intercourse?

It may sound a bit strange, but you can just be practical about it and keep a towel handy to remove some of the excess moisture. We also compound a special cream to be applied into the vagina prior to sex to reduce the lubrication. Just also check for an infection. Sometimes the wetness is not lubrication but actually from an infection. Another option is to go onto a low dose estrogen contraceptive. That often causes vaginal dryness which could help in your case.

How do I tighten and strengthen my vaginal muscles?

You can get lots of information about Kegel Exercises on the internet – with different variations and programmes. Many women find it difficult to isolate these muscles and end up squeezing everything but their vaginal muscles. There are physiotherapists who specialise in this area. They will teach you how to do it through biofeedback.

My husband is 63; I’m 31, but he wants sex every day – sometimes twice a day! I can’t keep up. What should I do?

It can be that he just has a very healthy appetite but it can also be that he has a discomfort in his pelvic area that is released through intercourse, something called persistent genital arousal disorder, or it might be that he has an addiction. With professional help, it can be established which one of the three it is. The point however, is that his high desire cannot be your responsibility. You can have sex as many times as you are willing and able to, but the rest of the time, he will have to sort it out himself.

It can also be a hormonal imbalance which can be addressed medically, so get help if you are taking strain.

I lost my brother six months ago, but am still feeling the loss so I have bouts of depression that kill my sex drive to the point where I don’t even want to be touched or kissed, and its taking strain on my marriage. I can’t take anything hormone based as I have a factor 5 laiden disorder. Is there anything I can do or try to help me out my slump?

One the one hand you just have to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to get over this extremely traumatic life experience. It takes time and it is normal to lose your libido when you have depression.

On the other hand, make sure you get professional help. See a psychologist and take an anti-depressant that does not take your libido away. Something that works very well, but only if you are not anxious, is a drug called bupropion. It can actually boost your libido even if you don’t have depression.

My cramps before and during my period are awful! Is there anything I can do to ease them?

You can go onto the pill or have the Mirena inserted. Natural medicine like Premular or Femiscript also helps. Many women find benefit from using Evening Primrose Oil.

My IUD cut my guy during sex. Is something wrong?

Yes, definitely! It is falling out and probably not effective as a contraceptive anymore! Have it removed and replaced immediately. Sometimes when the strings are cut too short, they sting the partner, but if he got a cut, it was from the actual device itself and it should be removed.

My partner and I are both virgins. How can we make our first time really special?

By taking it really slow. Make sure you have covered base one, two and three before you try to have sex. Also make sure he can insert two fingers into your vagina without hurting you. Don’t expect to have orgasms, just enjoy the uncharted waters of really being one for the first time. You can add more movement and stimulation as time goes on.

My friends say they love having their nipples played with. Mine aren’t sensitive so I don’t really enjoy it. Is there something wrong with me?

No, you probably have other areas that get you going, focus on those and make sure you partner knows about them. If they are not very sensitive, normal kissing and sucking might not feel like much to you. Try a bit more pressure that goes towards pain (but not painful) – that could be very intense and pleasurable for women with nipples that are not very sensitive. Vibration also makes a difference.

What does an orgasm feel like?

It is different for every women – some say it feels like sneezing and others like dying! You have to find out for yourself. One thing that all orgasms have in common is a climax (or a few of them) and then a fall. There is a definite point where you can feel that you are experiencing a release. If the release is gradual or the pleasurable sensation just kind of weans off, you did not have an orgasm. You will know if you did.

I keep getting yeast infections, but my guy won’t treat himself at the same time.

Yeast infections love the vaginal pH, they usually don’t survive on a guy’s penis. The fact that you are getting recurrent infections is not due to him not being treated, it is most likely due to you not being sufficiently treated, or it might not a yeast infection but bacterial vaginosis or even an STI. If it is an STI, he will need to be treated as well. Guys get candida only if they have very low immunity like with HIV or diabetes.

Getting rid of yeast infections often require repeated regular dosages of oral anti-fungal medication, restoring the balance of the pH in your vagina and removing triggers for yeast infections like bubble baths and food that is high in sugar.

We often see atypical yeast infections like candida glabrata. You should get a vaginal swab MCS and ask for specific culture and sensitivity for the candida.

 

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Die groot O

Die groot O

Deur Mariette Snyman, oorspronklik gepubliseer in Rooi Rose. Gedeeltelik aangepas deur Dr. Elna Rudolph.

Die ekstase van orgasme – of die afwesigheid daarvan – is vir baie mense ‘n taboe-onderwerp. Maar die invloed wat dit op vroue se welsyn en verhoudings het, moenie onderskat word nie.

Wat sou jy antwoord as iemand jou vra of jy graag op álle vlakke voluit wil leef? Sluit dit vervulling op seksuele gebied in? En indien jou antwoord “ja” is, speel die ervaring van orgasme hier ‘n sleutelrol?

Dié eenvoudige vrae kan ingewikkelde antwoorde hê. Talle vroue wil graag ‘n orgasme beleef, maar het nog nooit. Sommige sou dit graag meer dikwels wou ervaar. Vir baie is dit alledaags, terwyl ander voel dis van minder belang.

Daarby het die samelewing gemengde gevoelens oor die spontane genieting van die seksuele. Enersyds is daar ‘n ooraanbod van eksplitisiete kyk- en leesstof; andersyds het baie van ons grootgeword met die oortuiging dat lekkerkry sleg of sondig is.

Om die saak verder te kompliseer, is daar onsekerheid oor watter soort orgasme “reg” is. Mense wonder of orgasme die fokuspunt van seksuele omgang behoort te wees, of gelyktydige orgasme ‘n realistiese oogemerk is, en oor verskeie ander sake.

Voor ons na verwagtinge, feite en oplossings vir knelkwessies rakende orgasme kyk, kan ons die goedvoelkarakter van orgasme van nader beskou.

“Die daaglikse ervaring van genot is noodsaaklik vir gesondheid en geluk en nié bloot ‘n luukse nie,” sê die Amerikaanse ginekoloog en topverkoperskrywer, dr. Christiane Northrup. In haar boek The secret pleasures of menopause (Hay House, 2008) beskryf sy die omvangryke voordele van die vrystelling van stikstofmonoksied, ‘n gas wat deur ons liggame vervaardig word. Dit stimuleer onder meer ons bloedsomloop, weerstand teen infeksie, weefselherstel en produksie van neuro-oordragstowwe, en gee ons gemoedstoestand en lewenslus ‘n hupstoot.

Interessant genoeg word stikstofmonoksied vrygestel wanneer ons iets ervaar wat vir ons lekker is. “Alle gesonde, volhoubare genietinge baai ons brein en liggaam in hierdie lewegewende gas. Tydens orgasme is daar ‘n ontploffing daarvan. Ons liggame is ontwerp om onbeperkte hoeveelhede plesier te ervaar.”

Hierdie positiewe siening van ons plesierpotensiaal word versterk as ons in ag neem dat die klitoris, wat verantwoordelik is vir seksuele opwekking, suiwer daar is vir vroulike genot. Dit het geen ander funksie nie.

Verwagtinge en feite

“Mans heg baie waarde aan hul verhoudingsmaats se vermoë om ‘n orgasme te kry,” sê dr. Elna Rudolph, kliniese hoof van die MySexualHealth Kliniek in Pretoria en Kaapstad. “In ‘n omvattende studie is 7000 mans uit vyf lande gevra watter aspek van hul seksuele lewe vir hulle die heel belangrikste is. Die gemiddelde antwoord was nie die intensiteit, duur, of ‘n ander faset van hul eie belewenis nie, maar of hul maat ‘n orgasme bereik.”

Hierdie voorkeur stel hoë eise aan vroue. Fisiek is dit moeiliker vir ‘n vrou om ‘n orgasme te kry, en die nodige stimulasie neem veel langer as vir ‘n man. “Ongeveer 5% van alle vroue kry nooit ‘n orgasme nie. Net 30% kry gereeld ‘n klimaks tydens seksuele omgang, en ‘n verdere 30% bereik ‘n orgasme met bykomende klitorale stimulasie tydens penetrasie en ‘n verderder 30% slegs met klitorale stimulasie, nooit tydens omgang nie.”

Onder die verskillende tipes orgasme tel vaginale, klitorale en kombinasie-orgasmes. ‘n Vaginale orgasme vind plaas wanneer die vagina intern voldoende gestimuleer word. ‘n Klitorale orgasme is die gevolg van genoegsame stimulering van die klitoris. Omdat die vagina beduidend minder senu-eindpunte as die klitoris het, vind orgasme makliker plaas wanneer daar ook klitorale prikkeling is – ‘n kombinasie-orgasme.

Baie mense het vooroordele teenoor klitorale en kombinasie-orgasmes, deels omdat die vader van die psigoanalise, Sigmund Freud, klitorale orgasme in die vorige eeu as ‘n “adolessente verskynsel” genoem en beweer het dat “volwasse vroue” suiwer vaginale orgasmes het.

Die kontroversiële G-kol – ‘n erotiese sone op die boonste, voorste wand van die vagina – kan tot orgasme en moontlike ejakulasie lei wanneer dit gestimuleer word.  Die ejakulaat is ‘n kleurlose vloeistof wat net by sommige vroue voorkom.

Sommige vroue kry veelvuldige orgasmes – meer as een op ‘n keer. Nagtelike orgasmes kom voor wanneer erotiese drome ‘n vrou tot ‘n klimaks dryf.  Onwilleurige orgasmes vind soms plaas tydens verkragting of gedwonge seksuele verkeer, en kan skuldgevoelens tot gevolg hê. Anale orgasmes is die gevolg van anale prikkeling; die anus deel ‘n wand met die vagina en dieselfde senuweevoorsiening. Vollyforgasmes duur langer as “gewone” orgasmes en kan kontraksies van liggaamsdele soos die buik, hande en voete asook spirituele piekervarings insluit. Dit word gewoonlik met tantriese seks verbind.

Wat kan skeefloop?

Talle faktore kan orgasmes verhoed, vertraag of strem. Hieronder tel mediese toestande soos diabetes en hartsiektes; die newe-effekte van medikasie, wat sekere soorte slaap- en angswerende middels insluit; alkohol; bindweefselvorming weens verskeie operasies in die omgewing van die bekken; depressie; moegheid; spanning; verhoudingsprobleme; ‘n verhoudingsmaat se seksuele disfunksie of gebrek aan bedrewenheid in die liefdespel; te min tyd of privaatheid; aandagafleibaarheid; ‘n gebrek aan eiewaarde; ‘n swak liggaamsbeeld; morele en geloofswaardes wat die genieting van seks bemoeilik; gevoelens oor huidige of vroeëre intieme verhoudings, en traumatiese ervarings.

“Fisiek gesproke moet die senuweestimulasie en bloedtoevoer in die bekken voldoende wees vir orgasme om plaas te vind,” sê Elna. “Die spiere moet kan ontspan én saamtrek. Verder moet die breinhormone in goeie balans wees.

“Elke vrou moet op ‘n sekere manier gestimuleer word, en sy moet die stimulasie biologies en sielkundig kan prosesseer. Dit beteken sy moet genoeg vertroue in haar maat hê sodat sy bereid is om beheer te verloor in sy teenwoordigheid. Goeie kommunikasie is noodsaaklik.

“Ek sien dikwels paartjies met die volgende geskiedenis: toe hulle getroud is, het hulle min van seks geweet. Voorspel het nie ‘n groot rol gespeel nie en die vrou het nie orgasmes gekry nie. Toe die kinders kom, was sy altyd moeg en wou sy seks net so gou moontlik verby kry. Die man het dus nooit die geleentheid gehad om te leer hoe om haar behoorlik op te wek nie.

“In haar veertigs of vyftigs begin sy boeke lees en met vriendinne gesels, en kom agter sy mis iets. Nou wil sy orgasmes ervaar, en sy is ontevrede. Die man voel hy is ‘n slegte lover en kan hom aan die verhouding onttrek.

“Vir hierdie en ander scenarios is daar raad. Omdat soveel faktore betrokke is, benader ek en my kollegas by die sentrum pasiënte multidissiplinêr. Ons kyk watter persentasie van die probleem biologies, sielkundig, en sosiaal is, en pas die behandeling daarby aan. Dit kan medikasie, fisioterapie, psigo-, verhoudings- en ander vorme van terapie insluit.

Watter oplossings is daar wanneer ‘n vrou sukkel om ‘n klimaks te bereik?

“Tydens seksterapie begin ons gewoonlik deur seker te maak dat daar baie goeie stimulasie is tydens voorspel – ons luister na presies wat paartjies doen en maak dan voorstelle om die stimulasie te verbeter.  Ek maak ook altyd eers seker dat die mediese oorsake aangespreek en medikasie aangepas word om dit so maklik as moontlik te maak.

“Indien al die voorgenoemde in plek is, maar orgasme ontwyk die vrou nogsteeds, gaan dit dalk nodig wees om daardie eerste orgasme alleen te probeer kry met gewone selfstimulasie.  Die druk wat daar op haar is wanneer haar maat by is, veroorsaak ‘n ongunste biochemiese omgewing in haar brein wat orgasme sal verhoed.  Sy moet heeltemal ontspanne wees, sonder enige druk en dit gaan sy waarksynlik net op haar eie regkry.

“Die aard en toereikendheid van seksuele stimulasie – veral van die klitoris – is deurslaggewend. Vroue wat probleme met orgasme ervaar, kan daarby baat vind om hul eie liggaam in hul eie tyd te leer ken en vas te stel presies wat hulle plesier gee. Wanneer hulle op hul eie ‘n orgasme kan bereik, kan hulle hul maat wys wat vir hulle werk en dit dan saam te geniet.

“Hierdie proses is nie so eenvoudig as wat dit klink nie. Baie mense is grootgemaak met die gedagte dat masturbasie onaanvaarbaar is. Wanneer hulle verstaan hoe dit kan help om hulle na orgasme te lei, stel ek ‘n program voor wat hulpmiddels soos erotiese leesstof insluit. Niemand hoef ‘wilde boeke’ te lees nie – hulle kies leesstof wat kongruent met hul oortuigings is. Dieselfde geld vir musiek en flieks.

“Nog ‘n uitstekende hulpmiddel is ‘n klein vibrator. Dit word bloot gebruik om bloedvloei na die klitoris te stimuleer. Dis van groot waarde vir vroue wat leer om op hul eie ‘n klimaks te bereik, of wanneer vaginale stimulasie tydens omgang nie tot orgasme lei nie. Hierdie vibrators is by MySexualHealth, www.pureromance.co.za of www.matildas.co.za beskikbaar.

“Vir orgasme is ‘n verhoogde staat van opwekking nodig. Dit het met jou hele wese te make. Jy kan leer om jou sintuie te gebruik om in die oomblik te wees deur in ‘n gegewe moment op ‘n spesifieke sensasie te fokus sonder om dit in jou kop te probeer omskryf.

“Party mense het iets meer opwindends nodig as dit wat hulle in die oomblik ervaar. Dan kan ‘n fantasie waarin jy jou ervaring na ‘n woud, ‘n strand of selfs ‘n publieke plek verplaas, die verskil maak. Weer eens moedig ek pasiënte aan om fantasieë te gebruik wat met hul oortuigings strook.

“’n Nuttige wenk is dat vroue daarteen moet waak om hul mond tydens die liefdespel toe te maak. As jy op natuurlike wyse saam met die ritme asemhaal, kry jy makliker ‘n orgasme. Jy en jou maat moet kan hoor waarmee julle besig is!

“Wees ook bewus van jou liggaamshouding. Haal die kussing onder jou kop uit en sorg dat jou postuur oop en ontspanne is.

“Baie vroue besef nie dat voorbehoedmiddels hul hormone op ‘n manier kan beïnvloed wat die belewing van orgasme benadeel nie. In sulke gevalle beveel ek eerder die gebruik van ‘n Mirena aan.”

Is orgasme – veral gelyktydige orgasme – die toppunt van seksuele ervaring? Die term “voorspel” impliseer immers dat enige seksuele stimulasie blote voorbereiding vir die “hoofgebeurtenis” is.

“Seks gaan nie primêr oor orgasme nie. Baie vroue kan bevredigende seksuele ervarings hê sonder orgasme. Ek sê altyd vir vroue dis hul reg om elke keer wanneer hulle seks het ‘n orgasme te kry, maar dis nie verpligtend nie. Die keuse behoort aan hulle.

“Omdat mans en vroue se liggame so verskillend werk, is gelyktydige orgasme nie ‘n maklik bereikbare doelstelling nie. Dis ‘n bonus!”

Meer inligting by 086 727 2444, info@MySexualHealth.co.za of www.MySexualHealth.co.za

Eindelik!

Lindie* (29) werk in die skoonheidsbedryf en is twee jaar gelede met haar skoolliefde, Allan*, getroud nadat hulle ‘n ruk saamgebly het.

“Ek het konserwatief grootgeword. As daar ‘n sekstoneel op TV was, het my ma gesê: ‘Maak jou oë toe’ – selfs toe ek al 18 was. Ek het nie eens daaraan gedink om te masturbeer nie.”

Lindie het nooit ‘n orgasme gehad nie. “Vroeg in ons verhouding het ek in ‘n intieme oomblik gedink ek gaan climax. Allan het sy hand oor my mond gesit want daar was ander mense in die huis. Dit het my geblok. Daarna het ek nooit weer tot by daardie vlak van opwekking gevorder nie.

“Dit het my altyd gehinder, veral toe iemand eendag in ‘n geselskap sê as jy nog nie ‘n orgasme ervaar het nie, het jy nog nie regtig seks gehad nie.

“Ek het by ‘n vriendin van dr. Elna Rudolph gehoor. Dit het my verstom dat Elna so gemaklik oor seks praat. Toe sy voorstel dat ek ‘n vibrator kry en verduidelik hoe ek dit moet gebruik, het ek gedink daar is geen manier waarop ek dít sou doen nie! Ek was te skaam. Ná drie dae het ek egter besluit ek kon niks verloor deur dit te probeer nie. Ek het die bullet by ‘n webwerf bestel.

“Ek moes eers op my eie probeer om ‘n orgasme te kry. Aanvanklik was ek baie gespanne. Toe dit uiteindelik gebeur, was ek so chuffed met myself dat ek ‘n dag lank loop en glimlag het. My man wou weet wat aan die gang was! Ek was baie skaam om die vibrator voor hom te gebruik, maar het gou gemaklik geraak daarmee. Hy het gesê ek weet nie hoeveel dit vir hom beteken dat ek ons liefdespel so geniet nie.

“Ek is bly ek het hierdie ervaring op dié tydstip in my lewe gehad. My liggaamsbeeld is beter as in my vroeë twintigs, en ek is gemakliker met wie ek is. Ek oefen en leef gesond, wat my selfbeeld positief beïnvloed. En ek weet hoe om die orgasmes te waardeer!

“Vir enige vrou met dieselfde probleem wil ek sê: moenie moed verloor nie. Jy is nie alleen nie. Jy kan jou lyf terugkry!”

*skuilname

Het jy geweet?

Orgasme …

  • Verlig slaaploosheid, spanning en angs
  • Kikker die gemoed op natuurlike wyse op
  • Verbeter kardiovaskulere gesondheid en verlaag die risiko van tipe 2-diabetes
  • Verhoed en verlig servikale inflammasie en urienweginfeksies
  • Help die liggaam se natuurlik ontgiftingsproses aan
  • Versterk die spiere van die bekkengordel
  • Kan help om ‘n dreigende migraine-aanval in sy spore te stuit
  • Verhoog pyndrempels
  • Vermeerder oksitosoon-vlakke, wat verbind word met passie, intuïsie en sosiale vaardighede
  • Help om menopousale vroue se vaginale membrane gesond te hou

Bronne:

“Becoming orgasmic” deur Julia R Heiman en Joseph Lopiccolo, Fireside, 1987

“Dr Eve se seksboek: ‘n gids vir jongmense” deur dr. Marlene Wasserman, Human & Rousseau, 2008

“Die koekieboek” deur Maritza Breitenbach, Paddycat, 2012

“Menopause made easy” deur Carolle Jean-Murat, Hay House, 1999.

Sien ook www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9QVq0EM6g4

www.rooirose.co.za Ons artikel “Menopouse: ‘n sensueler jy” het meer inligting oor stikstofmonoksied, slaapkamersake, ensomeer.

www.floliving.com

 

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Love Coach: The Sex Doctor Will See You Now

The Sex Doctor Will See You Now

By Dr. Elna Rudolph, published in Women’s Health Magazine, December 2014.

WH’s resident sex doc shares four of her actual cases with advice so real and raunchy, you’ll want to try it tonight!

Read the full article here.

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Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver

By Nichi Hodgson, Originally published in Women’s Health Magazine, 2015. Edited by Dr. Elna Rudolph.

Things we love about vaginas: they have more names than Snoop Dogg. People have written poems, songs and plays about them, and in our overexposed, overtly sexualized world, vaginas still hold the power to appall, enthrall and excite. Oh, and give birth. But it turns out we still have a few tricks to learn…

Oral sex how-to (for him)

A guide you might want to subtly leave on his bedside table…

  1. “While you’re kissing, press a thigh between her legs,” says sex expert Midori, author of Wild Side Sex (like Madonna, she only needs one name). “Now, grind in, moving up and down. It’s the washing-machine-on-spin-cycle principle – the overall vibration has a greater effect than just using a finger or two.” Noted.
  2. “Next, start to nibble through her skirt as a teasing prelude – she should soon start grinding on your face. But before her panties come off completely, try breathing and licking her through them. It’ll make for a truly explosive touchdown when your tongue finally makes direct contact with her clitoris.”
  3. Now to master your technique. “If you want to practice clitoral stimulation, put a Tic Tac in a sandwich bag. Learn to suck the mint between your lips without using your teeth, then keep it there, while using your tongue to tease it.” Well, that’s something they never mentioned in the advert.

Question Time…

Things you never learnt during high school sex ed…

Q. Can my Rabbit give me an STI?

A. If you’ve had one before, yes, you can get it again from your vibrator, says sex educator Kate McCombs. “Toys made from porous material can harbor infections. Choose silicone, glass or stainless steel and clean them in soap and hot water.” Non-electric silicone ones can even go in the dishwasher. Just watch out who unloads it.

Q. Can his cold sore give me genital herpes?

A. In a nutshell: yes. According to Dr Natalie Hinchcliffe, “The HSV 1 type (usually the oral kind) can be passed to your genitals, even if lesions aren’t present.” Cold sores on your cooch? Not ideal. Dr. Elna Rudolph adds that “the notion that HSV1 is an oral infection and HSV2 is a genital infection is no longer true.  You can get “cold sores” on your genitals and genital herpes in your mouth and on your lips.  If he has ever had a fever blister, he can give you genital herpes! The chance is slim, but not zero.  In SA 80% of people have HSV1 in their mouths – it leaves a very small minority that can safely have oral sex!”

Q. Could I become vibrator-dependent?

A. Afraid so, says sex therapist Sarah Berry. “Too much vibrator use can desensitise you. If you’re struggling to orgasm with a partner, cut out the toys until you get used to manual stimulation again.” Turn off to get turned on. “If your brain gets used to reaching orgasm in a specific way, without variations, it becomes learned behavior and deviating from that becomes difficult”, says Rudolph.  “Make sure you love yourself in many different ways to keep your clitoris (and brain!) sensitive to all kinds of stimulation.”

Q. Is it possible to grow a vagina?

A. Actually, yes. US scientists have pioneered a way to lab-grow a vagina from a woman’s own cells. It can then be implanted into her body. The process takes just six weeks and the vagina even has full sexual function. But what do they do with the old one?

Three things your vajayjay would veto

Treat your vagina with kindness and it will return the favour.

1. Smoking

The risk of cervical cancer is about double in smokers,” says Hinchcliffe. “Smoking also puts you at greater risk of certain STIs, including trichomonas – you know, the one that gives you a horrible, foul-smelling discharge.” Stub it out for the sake of your vag. Rudolph adds: “It is much more difficult for your body to fight off the damage cause by HPV infection if you smoke.  Women who already have abnormal pap smears have a much higher chance of it getting worse and worse, even up to the point of cervix cancer, if they smoke.  Some infections like the foul-smelling Trichomonas is also more common in smokers.”

2. Douching

“Your vagina actually cleans itself, so there’s no need to douche it with anything,” explains Hinchcliffe. “In fact, bacterial vaginosis is significantly more common among women who douche, as is general irritability in the area. Your vagina is not meant to smell like a rose, so stop trying to make it.” But if you insist, for gynae’s sake put down the lemon verbena soap on a roap and use a specially formulated wash with the right pH balance. FEMAGENE products won’t upset your beaver’s balance, BUT only if you use it externally.  Never ever use any soap inside your vagina and definitely don’t squirt anything into your vagina. It kills all the good stuff and makes your situation worse in the long run. Bacterial Vaginosis, a condition where one or more of the natural bacteria in your vagina overgrows and cause a smelly discharge, is much more common in women who douche or try to wash inside their vaginas.

3. Penetration-only orgasms

Too many of us still prioritise the hole as the goal – to our sexual detriment. A study by neuroendocrinologist Dr Kim Wallen found that seven percent of women can climax from penetrative sex alone. What’s more, he calculated the “C-V ratio” to show it’s the distance between your clitoris and vagina that likely determines your ability to have a hole-in-one orgasm. The perfect pump-to-pleasure measurement was found to be 2.5cm. If yours is longer than that, don’t let him think it’s only his magic wand that counts.

For when your hoo-haa isn’t feeling hunky dory…

Find out when your lady garden needs some love…

> Symptom: Burnt skin thanks to a bad bikini wax

Unless the skin is blistered, this doesn’t require medical attention. Just treat as you would any other burnL run under cold water, apply cream such as E45, avoid intercourse until healed and, most importantly, get yourself a new beautician, pronto!

> Symptom: Discharge after intercourse

As long as there’s no strange colour or sudden change in consistency, it’s normal. Discharge increases with sexual arousal and the amount varies from woman to woman. And if a guy ejaculates inside you, expect to leak.

> Symptom: Soreness or irritation after exercise

A dragging sensation could indicate vaginal prolapse. Cycling is one of the worst culprits for beaver-bruising, as a study in the BMJ found female cyclists were at particular risk of infections and swelling. Saddle and handlebar positions are important – German scientists found sitting with your upper body at a 30-degree angle to the bike frame can reduce blood flow to your vagina by up to 70 percent. Stand up on your pedals every 10 minutes to avoid this.

> Symptom: Pain during and after sex

One in five women experience pain during intercourse.  There can be various reasons for this from serious gynaecological conditions to hormonal imbalances, infections to muscles spasms and nerve abnormalities.  These need to be excluded and then managed by an experienced multi-disciplinary team that can also address the psychological aspects of suffering from painful intercourse.  Treatment might involve using vaginal dilators, physiotherapy and various creams as well as sorting out any infections and gynae problems.

> Symptom: Bleeding between periods

This warrants some form of medical investigation, as it can be caused by infection, cervical cancer or ectropion (also known as cervical erosion). Ectropion is a normal response to hormones and usually occurs in women of reproductive age, especially those using hormonal contraception. It can be scary, but as long as your smear tests are normal, it’s unlikely to be a long-term worry.

> Symptom: Pain at the top of your pubic bone

Generally means pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), an ovarian cyst or endometriosis. PID symptoms include fever, unusual discharge and bleeding between periods. Cysts cause acute pain on one side, but often go away by themselves. Painful sex, severe period pain and pain going for a number two could be endometriosis, which can be eased with oral or hormonal contraceptives.

 

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O-O-O-O-Orgasm!

O-O-O-O-Orgasm!

By Sarah Z Wexler

The public convo surrounding the female orgasm has officially climaxed: last year, Nicki Minaj told a magazine that she demands one every single time she has sex (and thinks you should too); #GetCliterate blew up all over social media; and a provocative video series, Hysterical Literature – in which women are brought to ecstasy by a vibrator while trying to read a book aloud – has reached 19 million views on YouTube.

All this attention to our Os has done a world of good, it seems. For the first time ever, research shows that the majority of women typically come during sex – 89 percent of those 18 to 34 years old, to be exact, according to a new survey by Skyn Condoms. (In the not-so-distant past, The Kinsey Institute ball-parked this number as low as 20 percent.)

Still, we believe the peak of sexual pleasure can be hotter, stronger, more frequent, more ’gasm-y. Our mission in this session? To celebrate (and elevate) your body’s most powerful release.

Lesson One: A guide to your lady parts

Forget GPS. Some of us could benefit from a little CPS. When asked in a study to point to the clitoris on a diagram of the female genitalia, 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men were completely lost, the majority of those believing it was located “on the front wall of the vaginal canal”. Nope! Considering it’s the epicentre of pleasure for most women, a tutorial is in order. So, lock the door, grab a hand mirror, and let’s inspect your ittiest bits.

Prepuce

Gently pull back your outer and inner vaginal lips, and up top you’ll see this little hood. Like the foreskin on an uncircumcised penis, it protects your glans clitoris (your big O spot) and “retracts when you become aroused,” says gynaecologist Dr Lauren Streicher, author of Sex RX.

Glans clitoris

Lift the prepuce and you’ll meet the external part of the clitoris – and the orgasm holy grail. This pink little nub contains 8 000 supersensitive nerves. The closer it is to your vaginal opening, the higher the chances you’ll get off during penetrative sex. If yours is spaced further away (we’re talking a difference in millimetres), try a rear-entry position while your guy rubs your GC with a hand or a vibrator, says Streicher.

Corpus cavernosum

These are the “legs” of the clitoris, which are connected to the glans clitoris. They’re located inside your body (like a muscle), so they aren’t visible or touchable from the outside. They contain erectile tissue and swell with blood when you become aroused. Unlike a schlong, however, they don’t rise when you get a lady boner.

Urethral opening

This bitty dot located a smidge under the clitoris is where pee comes out – and possibly ejaculate for the 10 percent or more of women who “squirt” during orgasm. Streicher says we aren’t sure if the fluid is entirely ejaculate from the Skene’s glands, or whether it’s mixed with some urine. In any case, it’s not an erogenous part.

Vagina opening

To put it bluntly, where the penis or dildo goes. “It doesn’t have nearly as many nerve endings or the same kind of sensitivity as the clitoris, though, which explains why most women don’t climax simply from penetration,” explains Streicher.

G-spot

A vaguely defined structure near the vaginal opening, along the roof (closer to your stomach than back). Is it an extension of the clitoris or a separate structure? That’s up for debate. But stroking it can feel intensely satisfying.

Cervix

Located about 10cm inside your vagina, where the vaginal canal ends (though this distance varies from woman to woman and also lengthens a few inches to accommodate a penis or dildo when a woman is aroused, says Streicher). A well-endowed partner (or sex toy) can stimulate it, and some women say that’s enough to make them peak.

Lesson Two: The Kegel Challenge

Your pelvic-floor muscles control those incredible contractions you feel during an orgasm, so it’s in your best interest to keep them tight and toned (age, significant weight gain or pregnancy can zap them of their strength). A riot of new devices are designed to pump them back up. Our ready-and-willing testers gave them a go every day for a week. The results, below.

> Minna Kgoal

How it works: A balloon-like, buzzing device links via Bluetooth to an app that provides workout challenges and performance scores.

The verdict: “My pelvic muscles feel like they are getting stronger, but my Os are the same. I liked the app – I’ve always wondered if I was doing Kegels wrong.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Lelo Luna Smart Bead

How it works: This smooth, palm-size, vibrating pebble contains touch sensors that track your exercises and light up to plot your progress.

The verdict: “When I squeezed my Kegels during sex with my boyfriend, he popped off in, like, two seconds. Mine took as long as usual, and felt about the same.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Je Joue Ami Balls

How they work: This set of three weighted balls (with strings for easy removal) progresses from large and light to small and heavy; you must squeeze to hold them in place.

The verdict: “My orgasms are slightly more intense. They last a little longer, and I feel like I ‘released’ something that I haven’t felt before.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Fifty Shades of Grey Beyong Aroused Ben-wa Balls

How they work: This set of four weighted balls (ranging from 15 to 55g) can be inserted vaginally on their own, or with the included cradle (which holds two balls at once).

The verdict: “I felt a post-orgasm sensation for longer than usual, and there was some pulsing of the muscle that occurred afterward.”

(LadyFays.co.za)

*Use these products with caution.

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU HAVE PAINFUL INTERCOURSE, DO NOT USE THESE DEVICES. IT IS LIKELY TO CAUSE A HYPERACTIVE PELVIC FLOOR, MAKING THE PAIN WORSE.

Lesson Three: Don’t be bullied into your big O!

A public service announcement from The Big Bang Theory’s Dr Mayim Bialik (yes, she’s a neuroscientist!)

“I’m all for female sexual empowerment. But this ‘women have to have an orgasm every time they have sex’ business is stressing me out. Not me personally. But generally speaking, it’s stressing me out.

“As a scientist, I can assure you that the female orgasm is one of the greatest incidental occurrences of biology. (Thank you, Mother Nature. Huge fan.) Procreation doesn’t need one to make babies; it’s a delightful side effect of intercourse. Research suggests that women whose partners take the time to help them achieve orgasm feel more bonded to them and may even have a better chance of getting pregnant. (I love those studies.) So, yeah, Team Orgasm all the way.

“However, the notion that ‘sexual equality’ means that every time your partner has an orgasm you should too is problematic. It creates an unnecessary pressure. You see, male orgasm is the finish line for the male experience. Women’s orgasm is a horse of a different colour. We can have orgasms before, during, or after sex and – thanks to the wonders of the female body – sometimes a few times in the course of one sexual coupling! (Shout out to Mother Nature again on that one!) But it’s not imperative for us to have one, nor does it define our sexual experience as a whole. Sometimes we may not have the focus, energy or stamina to make one happen, and that has to be okay. It’s still sex without the orgasm; that’s a biological fact.”

Our sexpert answers your burning Qs

Emily Morse, sexologist. Host of the podcast Sex with Emily and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.

QUIRKY CLIMAX

What’s the weirdest way a woman can reach orgasm?

Some can have a “nipplegasm”, since stimulating the nipples releases oxytocin, causing vaginal contractions and an increase in blood flow to the genitals. Nocturnal Os are possible too. Having a hot dream during REM sleep spikes blood flow to your vagina, and boom! Even “mindgasms” can occur from deep breathing paired with erotic thoughts.

WAKE THE NEIGHBOURS

If I’m more vocal in bed, will that up my chances of having an orgasm?

Yes, research shows that women who speak up feel more pleasure, as do their partners. Doesn’t have to be dirty talk, per se. Even something as simple as “Oh yea” or “Don’t stop” can get the message across. Specifics? Bring it on. “I love it when you use your fingers while you go down on me,” or “When you swivel your hips, I lose all control.” This boosts your partner’s self-esteem by reassuring him that what he’s doing feels good; it also gives him intel on what you like and keeps you in the moment. If you’re too shy, moaning will communicate your needs.

Show & Tell: My best O-moment

We asked some brave women to fill in the blank: “I had my most epic orgasm when…”

“My boyfriend blindfolded me with his tie and went down on me. Not being able to see definitely heightened my other senses, plus it was totally out of character for him!”

“I applied a strong vibrator to my C-spot while stroking my G-spot with one finger. I could tell I was touching my G-spot because it felt spongy – different than the rest of my vagina. The combo felt so unbelievably good, it took me seconds to orgasm!”

“We were in the shower and my BF was using his hands to stimulate my clit (with lots of lube). The tingly sensations lasted forever, and the finale was epic.”

“We started with missionary sex, then he leaned all the way backward so that I was able to get on top. I ground into him with circular motions while he very slowly thrusted upward.”

“My partner teased out the foreplay as long as possible, bringing me to the brink of orgasming but then backing off a bit (and doing that over and over again).”

“My partner slipped a single finger in my backdoor while performing oral sex in front. Aaaahhh!”

 

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The ins and outs of a sexologist

When people find out that I’m a “sex doctor”, it is either a great conversation starter or the ultimate convo killer. Yes, I’m a sex therapist – but I’m also a qualified medical doctor. Some think I watch people have sex, others think I just suggest kinky positions or toys and some don’t even allow their minds to go there. Many have mentioned that they would love to be a fly on the wall in my practice. So allow me to share some of what I’ve learnt over my years of getting people naked (once they leave my office). These four cases represent the most common reasons couples and singles book time with me. And the advice I give them will no doubt keep your bedroom fires burning…

 

The case: Unconsummated marriage

The couple: Erica and Paul, late twenties, married for seven years, both still virgins

Erica and Paul refrained from sex before marriage for religious reasons, but they were excited about finally having sex on their wedding night. They tried, but it felt like he was hitting a wall inside her vagina – it was impossible. Erica knew that the first few times can be uncomfortable, but nothing could have prepared her for the excruciating pain she experienced when Paul tried to insert his penis. She felt like he was cutting her open and after the attempt, the area would burn for hours. They tried lubrication, alcohol, sedatives, foreplay – nothing worked! They saw many doctors who told her that there is nothing wrong with her and psychologists who were convinced that she must have been abused, but she hadn’t been. When they came to see me, she could orgasm through other forms of stimulation, but they desperately wanted a baby.

The treatment: Take control of your vagina.

On examination, I discovered that Erica was born with a condition called Neuroproliferative Provoked Vestibulodynia, where there were too many nerve endings around her vaginal opening (and in her belly button!) The sensitivity made the muscles around her vagina contract, much like an eyelid protects the eye.

This sensitivity and resulting muscle spasm made inserting tampons impossible, never mind a penis! We had to take the sensitivity away, relax the muscles and teach Erica’s brain that something can be inserted into her vagina without causing her pain. In my examination room, she inserted something into her vagina for the first time – an ear bud! A specialist pelvic function physiotherapist taught her relaxation techniques and how to use her pelvic floor muscles. She practiced at home with vaginal dilators every day and applied a special cream around her vagina to help the nerve problem.

Within four weeks, Erica was able to insert a dilator the size of an erect penis into her vagina without any physical or psychological discomfort. Paul then began to help with the dilators and he also attended a few of the physiotherapy sessions. After a follow-up with me, they got the “all-clear” and were able to carefully attempt penetration at home. Success! The better news? Erica popped into my office a few weeks ago – pregnant with their second baby!

 

The case: He comes early – every time

The patient: Nkosi, 35, single

Every time he had sex, Nkosi ejaculated within less than a minute of penetration. At times it was so bad that he ejaculated even before penetration. He was so embarrassed that he began to avoid relationships. He read about the stop-start and squeeze techniques and had been practising for years, but they didn’t work. He also ejaculated within seconds while masturbating.

The treatment: Pop a pill

This doesn’t mean your sex life needs to come to a shuddering halt! Ejaculation is a learned behaviour and can be controlled. If a guy consistently ejaculates in less than a minute, it’s a genetic problem with a specific receptor. No amount of sex therapy, psychotherapy or exercise will get it right. I prescribed Nkosi with an SSRI – an antidepressant that works on this particular receptor.

Nkosi takes the SSRI every day and now lasts about 10 minutes. He’s seeing someone now and they’re planning to get married next year.

 

The case: She can’t orgasm

The couple: Lisa and Ben, married for 15 years

Lisa and Ben are happily married, but both feel like they are missing out on something… Despite Ben’s efforts with oral sex, manual stimulation and penetrative sex, Lisa has never been able to have an orgasm. They have also tried using a vibrator together, but to no avail. Lisa comes from a typical Afrikaans household – she found it difficult to embrace her sexuality initially, but now enjoys sex.

The treatment: Take things into your own hands

The first step is always education: only a third of women orgasm from penetration alone and many don’t know that the most sensitive spots are the clitoris and nipples, not the vagina itself. Lisa and Ben were instructed to do erotic massage, sensate focus exercises (where each partner becomes more aware of the sensations they feel) and up their foreplay skills. I changed Lisa’s antidepressant and sorted out her hormones – she was on a Pill that broke down and blocked her testosterone, making orgasms very difficult. She felt better and they enjoyed the exercises, but still no orgasm.

That’s when I suggested masturbation. After all this time, the pressure of losing control in your partner’s presence makes orgasm very unlikely. She had to do it alone. The idea was strange for her, but she gradually became more and more comfortable and eventually had her first orgasm with the help of a small bullet vibrator. By herself. She then did it in his presence and eventually with his help.

When Lisa came for her check-up this year, she mentioned that it is the best thing that she has ever done for herself and for their relationship. Her husband sent me a big bouquet of flowers!

 

The case: She wants more

The couple: Claire and John, have been together for four years

When Claire and John, who has an extremely demanding job, started dating, they had sex almost daily, but for the last year, it only happens about once a month. Claire cried during the consultation and said she feels completely rejected and it’s influenced her self-esteem. She loves him and didn’t want to leave, but would if the problem wasn’t solved.

The treatment: The two Ts (time and testosterone)

When men don’t want to have sex, there is a good reason for it: either psychological or physical. Being a medical doctor, I always exclude the medical first. John had very low testosterone levels – the hormone he needs for libido. Due to stress, the stimulation of the testis to produce testosterone was shut down. He didn’t make time for any exercise, ate poorly, didn’t sleep enough and was constantly worried about work. He needed to look after himself and de-stress. John was shocked to see how his lifestyle affected his health, and made radical changes. I also advised them to plan for intimacy twice a week, have date nights and do fun things together.

Three months later, they are having sex at least once a week, John’s testosterone is back to normal and Lisa is beaming.

 

NOTE:
  • All images courtesy of Google.
  • Content courtesy of Women’s Health.
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ONWELKOME ORGASMES

Onwelkome Orgasmes – My Storie

Deur Mariette Snyman, gepubliseer in Rooi Rose, Maart 2014.

As ’n vrou met behoudende waardes skielik konstante seksuele opwekking ervaar – en dit sonder ’n waarneembare oorsaak – kan haar lewe ’n volslae nagmerrie word.

Lees die volle artikel hier.

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Becoming Orgasmic!

Becoming Orgasmic!

halfNakedCouple_iStock_300.jpg

Only about a third to half of all women can orgasm during penetrative sex. Are you one of them? Read on…

Think of the movie No Strings Attached: The first time they have sex, she tells him that he has exactly forty five seconds to do his thing and then three thrusts later they both orgasm simultaneously. Really?

More than half of all women have never had an orgasm with their partner’s penis inside their vaginas and if you are one of them, you are not abnormal!

It is safe to say that most women can only orgasm during foreplay. They have to have their orgasms through direct stimulation of the clitoris by:

  • Their partner’s hand
  • Their own hand
  • Rubbing it against their partner’s body
  • Oral sex
  • Using a vibrator
  • Imagining a fantasy or acting out the fantasy (these are only a rare few!)

For those who do orgasm during penetration, it is usually because of direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris and not so much due to the presence of the penis in their vaginas. This happens in one of the following ways:

  • During penetration, the labia minora (small lips) get pulled downwards. They are attached to the hood of the clitoris, causing indirect stimulation with each thrust.
  • The clitoris itself is not the small little button we see on the outside. The body of the clitoris is actually about 11cm long, stretching backwards, around the vagina. Which is why penetration causes indirect stimulation of the clitoris.
  • Depending on the position you use, direct stimulation of your clitoris against his pubic bone or another body part might be possible.
  • And if this is not enough, those who do orgasm during penetration often do so with the help of their partner’s hand, their own hand or a vibrator – all directly stimulating the clitoris.

All women have the right to have an orgasm during every sexual encounter but should not feel pressured to do so. If you would like to get so-called vaginal orgasms, make sure you are very close to climax when he penetrates and use direct stimulation of the clitoris to get there. It might seem a bit awkward and mechanical at first, but you just need that first one. The rest will come much easier. No pun intended!

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Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations

SexToys-3_Vib_MERGE.jpg

I am actually quite surprised to see how few of my female patients are utilising the wondrous little invention that is a vibrator.

If you are one of those who are skeptical, you are probably thinking of the massive vibrating dildos with angry looking rabbits and metallic bits rotating fiercely inside of them or the real-life ones in this off-pink colour with veins and all.

Not all vibrators are created equal!

I think the idea of bigger being better, when it comes to vibrators, is outdated. Sure, there is something to be said for experiencing life-size fullness, but lets be honest: it is all about the clitoris. The nerve endings in the clitoris are exceptionally sensitive to the right intensity of vibration – hundreds of times more so than the vagina or any other part of the genitals.

Therefore, a tiny bullet vibrator will do the trick in most cases. It does not look suspicious – in some cases just like lipstick! It is non-threatening to the partner because there is not another penis in the room. It can easily be used to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse since most women do not easily climax through penetration only.

There are also vibrating cock-rings, little finger vibrators, the very popular we-vibe that is inserted vaginally but has an external part that can stimulate the clitoris and is designed in such a way that a man can penetrate with it in the vagina.

Good news: Guys do not have to feel left out! Being stimulated with a vibrator can be just as much fun for a guy! The most sensitive part of mans body is the frenulum – the piece of skin on the bottom of the head of the penis. This area reacts very well to stimulation with a vibrator, also the perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus) and around the anus as well as the nipples.

Same goes for girls – just because it works really well on the clitoris, don’t forget about the other erogenous zones and enjoy the journey, not just the destination.

Caution: orgasms induced by vibrators are different form other orgasms. Make sure you don’t get dependant on your vibrator for your orgasm. Make sure you use it only as a fun aid every now and then and don’t for one moment think that it will solve every (if any!) problem in the bedroom.

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