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Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Dr. Elna Rudolph answers a few questions about sex.

My partner wants to try anal sex more often, but I don’t enjoy it. I’m worried that if I don’t do it, he will feel unfulfilled…

There are certain no-no’s when it comes to sex in relationships and they are different for each couple. The one might never want to have sex unless she first had a shower, the other will never allow oral sex, and another will not do it with the lights on. These taboos should be respected by the partner, but it does not mean that they cannot shift when the reasons behind them are explored and some basic information with specific suggestions are given in the form of sex education or formal therapy.

When it comes to anal sex being one of the taboos, there are usually two reasons: Firstly some people have religious or moral issues with it. These can be quite difficult to shift and should sometimes just be respected. The other reason is that it is just too uncomfortable and therefore really not enjoyable. Guys expect that they will be able to just penetrate their partners as easily as it looks in porn. The reality is that most people have to go through a process to get used to being stimulated first around and then in the anus. Start with some light touch and rubbing and then move to inserting a well lubricated little finger and then progressively go larger from there. If you are really committed to it, you could also practice by yourself to get used to what it takes for the anal sphincter to relax. Like any muscle, it has the ability, but it takes time. If you perceive the attempt at penetration to be threatening and you anticipate the pain, the muscle will just go into spasm and make it more difficult and unpleasant.

How many times a week is it normal to masturbate? I’m in a long-term relationship and masturbate at least once a week, but my partner says he never does.

It depends on many things. If there is so-called “desire discrepancy” in a couple (which is the case in most relationships!) the partner with the higher desire is left frustrated if he or she does not masturbate. Masturbating is also a form of self-loving and soothing. You might get something completely different from masturbating than what you get from sex and therefore remain to have a need for it although you are in a very sexually fulfilling relationship. More than five times a week probably becomes excessive (according to international definitions anyway). It is also normal to never masturbate if you are in steady relationship. Whatever works for you.

I found a stash of lesbian porn on my husband’s computer and watched a video out of curiosity. It really got me off. What does this mean? Am I a closet lesbian?

Not necessarily. Up to 80% of women get turned on by some girl-on-girl action! You are a lesbian (if we have to use such a rigid term) if you would like to build a life with another woman. If lesbian porn excites you, you have just expanded your repertoire of excitement and fantasy.

I sometimes feel like my husband and I are more in the best friend zone than sexually connected. What can I do to get the spark back?

Make sure that you create special experiences when it comes to sex. The longer the relationship, the more difficult it is to create more and more exciting sexual experiences and then you get stuck in a rut.

It is however possible to create a special experience in a different way each time. Take time to make love through sensual massages and external stimulation, do the romantic candle lights and special music thing, make regular dates for love making, increase the oxytocin (bonding hormone) between you by looking each other in the eye, hugging and cuddling – all things to make a concerted effort to say: this is a special relationship with an intimate bond, not merely a friendship.

The more you are like friends, the more difficult these things are, but get started sooner rather than later!

How do I get my partner to go down on me more often?

Ask for it! Make sure you have the hair and hygiene under control and buy some special lubes that taste nice to encourage him. Returning the favor also goes a long way in encouraging him! (His favour might not be oral sex, it might be something else he loves that you are not doing frequently – find out what that is).

My guy doesn’t know how to make me climax – while he’s well-endowed, he’s not an expert at making it work. How do I nudge him in the right direction?

Firstly, you have to be honest about the fact that you are not getting there. Make it about you, not him. Tell him that there is only a specific way that works for you to come and you want to show him how to help you to get there. Show him how you do it and let him get involved in taking over more and more of the stimulation each time.

If he is offended by this and does not want to cooperate, think twice about sorting out a budget or raising kids with him!

How do I tell if he has an STI?

Sometimes you see a discharge, sore, blister, bump or wart in your genital area. It might have a bad smell or burn when you urinate. The reality is that most of the times you won’t even know about it. You will have to get tested.

I’ve just woken up from a night of tantric sex, but I’ve broken out in a nasty rash – I think it might be from the latex condoms we used. Are there any others we could try?

You could get latex-free condoms, but they are very difficult to find. Order them off the internet. It can also be due to oils you used for massaging.

I’m really in love with my partner but I struggle to get turned on by him. What should I do?

Check your hormone levels. Getting turned on is heavily dependent on testosterone. If you are taking an oral contraceptive, it breaks down and block your testosterone and therefore it is difficult to become sexually aroused. Some women just don’t produce enough testosterone. It can be supplemented through the skin, though. Never ever through injections!

My partner is amazing in bed, but he enjoys taking drugs before sex. I sometimes do it with him, but it bothers me that he wants to be high when we’re having sex. How do I tell him?

Be honest about it. tell him that you value the relationship and that you would like to have real intimacy with him and not just a fun, exhilarating experience. Ask him to do it your way every second time.

My partner is always super aroused when we’re in public, and not so much in private. While the thrill of getting caught is sexy, I’m over the riskiness. How do I get him to be as aroused when we’re at home?

It has to do with his sexual arousal template that was probably formed in his brain before the age of nine! He will have to learn that he has a very rigid arousal template and that it can actually be adapted and expanded. He also has to learn that sex is sometimes not that exciting, sometimes it is more special and for the purpose of bonding than for the purpose of that ultimate high. Guys with a rigid arousal template often have problems with real intimacy and if the problem is really severe, it should be addressed in therapy.

I’m very attracted to my partner, but during sex, I get uncomfortable and clamp up. How do I get over this?

That sounds like it could be vaginismus. We are a team of professionals that specialise in helping women deal with this problem. I wish there was a one-liner answer to that one, but unfortunately there isn’t. It’s usually caused by a combination of medical conditions, childhood trauma, religious upbringing with excessive guilt, poor sex education, psychological as well as relationship issues. These all need to be addressed for you to stop clamping up with the man you love.

Help! His penis is too big!

You can use muscle relaxants, better lube, vaginal dilators and even physiotherapy to get over this hurdle! There is also a device from Pure Romance, called Super Stretch Lips, that you can put over his penis to keep a part of it outside of the vagina during intercourse, but it is usually the girth that is the problem. Make sure you have pleeently of foreplay in order for your body to get ready for penetration.

Help! His penis is too small!

Make sure you get satisfied before penetration happens. You can also do kegel exercises and even see a physiotherapist that specialises in the area to help you strengthen your muscles in order to “feel” him better. A device like a We-Vibe also helps to improve the sensation during penetration if you need more than what he ‘has to offer’.

My boyfriend asked me to stick a finger in his bum while we were having sex. At first, I wasn’t keen, but eventually I agreed, and he said he had the most intense orgasm ever. Now he wants to do it all the time. Does this mean he’s gay?

No, not at all! It just means that he has discovered his p-spot. The nerve that supplies sensation this area is the same as the one that supplies your clitoris, so you do the math.

My new boyfriend has marathon-runner stamina in the bedroom. Sex goes on forever. I actually start getting bored and sometimes even chafed. How can I make him come faster?

Ask him to! If he can’t, he has what is called delayed ejaculation. Although it is a difficult condition to treat in sex therapy or sexual medicine, it can be done. Firstly, check if he is not on anti-depressant drugs that may be causing the problem. That can easily be changed to a different type, if it is the case. You can also tell him that you will help him come in another way or he can get himself there (which is usually much quicker) but you are only up for ten minutes of penetration in any one round (the vagina struggles to stay lubricated for longer than that in most women).

I want to do a striptease for my guy but I’m really uncoordinated and I’m worried it’s going to be more comedy than sexy. What’s the best costume to wear that’s easy and sexy to remove?

Probably a man’s shirt, tie and a top hat. Make sure you have the sexy stockings with dispensers and heals that you can still move in to complete the outfit (or at least that is what I’m told by the Carmen Electra Strip Tease DVD that was given by a friend! Not exactly the content covered in a Master’s Degree in Sexual Health!).

I don’t feel pain during sex, but afterwards, I bleed for two to three days, as if I’m having a period. What’s up?

You probably have an infection. See a gynae or doctor who knows something about this as soon as possible! Worst case scenario – it might be a cancer, so don’t wait!

I had my period twice last month. Google says it may be due to stress and my diet. But now I’m feeling some pain below my stomach. What could it be?

Ovarian cysts can cause abnormal bleeding and lower abdominal pain. You need to see a gynae or at least get a pelvic ultrasound done.

What can I do to reduce wetness before and during intercourse?

It may sound a bit strange, but you can just be practical about it and keep a towel handy to remove some of the excess moisture. We also compound a special cream to be applied into the vagina prior to sex to reduce the lubrication. Just also check for an infection. Sometimes the wetness is not lubrication but actually from an infection. Another option is to go onto a low dose estrogen contraceptive. That often causes vaginal dryness which could help in your case.

How do I tighten and strengthen my vaginal muscles?

You can get lots of information about Kegel Exercises on the internet – with different variations and programmes. Many women find it difficult to isolate these muscles and end up squeezing everything but their vaginal muscles. There are physiotherapists who specialise in this area. They will teach you how to do it through biofeedback.

My husband is 63; I’m 31, but he wants sex every day – sometimes twice a day! I can’t keep up. What should I do?

It can be that he just has a very healthy appetite but it can also be that he has a discomfort in his pelvic area that is released through intercourse, something called persistent genital arousal disorder, or it might be that he has an addiction. With professional help, it can be established which one of the three it is. The point however, is that his high desire cannot be your responsibility. You can have sex as many times as you are willing and able to, but the rest of the time, he will have to sort it out himself.

It can also be a hormonal imbalance which can be addressed medically, so get help if you are taking strain.

I lost my brother six months ago, but am still feeling the loss so I have bouts of depression that kill my sex drive to the point where I don’t even want to be touched or kissed, and its taking strain on my marriage. I can’t take anything hormone based as I have a factor 5 laiden disorder. Is there anything I can do or try to help me out my slump?

One the one hand you just have to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to get over this extremely traumatic life experience. It takes time and it is normal to lose your libido when you have depression.

On the other hand, make sure you get professional help. See a psychologist and take an anti-depressant that does not take your libido away. Something that works very well, but only if you are not anxious, is a drug called bupropion. It can actually boost your libido even if you don’t have depression.

My cramps before and during my period are awful! Is there anything I can do to ease them?

You can go onto the pill or have the Mirena inserted. Natural medicine like Premular or Femiscript also helps. Many women find benefit from using Evening Primrose Oil.

My IUD cut my guy during sex. Is something wrong?

Yes, definitely! It is falling out and probably not effective as a contraceptive anymore! Have it removed and replaced immediately. Sometimes when the strings are cut too short, they sting the partner, but if he got a cut, it was from the actual device itself and it should be removed.

My partner and I are both virgins. How can we make our first time really special?

By taking it really slow. Make sure you have covered base one, two and three before you try to have sex. Also make sure he can insert two fingers into your vagina without hurting you. Don’t expect to have orgasms, just enjoy the uncharted waters of really being one for the first time. You can add more movement and stimulation as time goes on.

My friends say they love having their nipples played with. Mine aren’t sensitive so I don’t really enjoy it. Is there something wrong with me?

No, you probably have other areas that get you going, focus on those and make sure you partner knows about them. If they are not very sensitive, normal kissing and sucking might not feel like much to you. Try a bit more pressure that goes towards pain (but not painful) – that could be very intense and pleasurable for women with nipples that are not very sensitive. Vibration also makes a difference.

What does an orgasm feel like?

It is different for every women – some say it feels like sneezing and others like dying! You have to find out for yourself. One thing that all orgasms have in common is a climax (or a few of them) and then a fall. There is a definite point where you can feel that you are experiencing a release. If the release is gradual or the pleasurable sensation just kind of weans off, you did not have an orgasm. You will know if you did.

I keep getting yeast infections, but my guy won’t treat himself at the same time.

Yeast infections love the vaginal pH, they usually don’t survive on a guy’s penis. The fact that you are getting recurrent infections is not due to him not being treated, it is most likely due to you not being sufficiently treated, or it might not a yeast infection but bacterial vaginosis or even an STI. If it is an STI, he will need to be treated as well. Guys get candida only if they have very low immunity like with HIV or diabetes.

Getting rid of yeast infections often require repeated regular dosages of oral anti-fungal medication, restoring the balance of the pH in your vagina and removing triggers for yeast infections like bubble baths and food that is high in sugar.

We often see atypical yeast infections like candida glabrata. You should get a vaginal swab MCS and ask for specific culture and sensitivity for the candida.

 

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Why Fit Women Have Much Better Sex

Why Fit Women Have Much Better Sex

By Cindy Kuzma. Partly edited by Dr. Elna Rudolph.

The perfect playlist helps get you in the mood. Sweat beads on your skin, your heart races and your muscles contract. By the time you’re finished, you’re breathless, maybe drained, but also gloriously satisfied.

What popped to mind first – your last great workout or your last sex session? Working out and getting busy between the sheets run along parallel cardiovascular, muscular and neurological pathways, which is why they set off similar chain reactions.

Recently, researchers have made important discoveries about the body and brain connections of sex and exercise. “Being physically active seems to be a potent aphrodisiac for women,” says Dr Tina Penhollow, an associate professor of health promotion, who has published research on how exercise affects sexual self-esteem and self-perception. In fact, regular exercise may play a more important role in sexual satisfaction than many other factors, including stress, weight – even your current relationship status (or lack thereof).

It makes sense then, that taking charge in the gym can lead to surprising benefits in the bedroom, and vice versa. In case you don’t believe us, read on for eight verified ways in which your workout can benefit your sex life.

1. Sharpen your focus

All too common: he’s showing you his best moves, but you’re thinking about your to-do list. “Exercise can help sync your mind to your body, as well as quiet your racing brain so you can focus on the task at hand”, says Dr Lori Brotto, director of the Sexual Health Laboratory at the University of British Columbia in Canada. If you engage in vigorous exercise regularly, you may not realise it, but you are also training your mind to become extremely focused.  Use this same focus when you are in bed together – focus on your breathing, the natural deeper breathing will make you more and more aroused. In the same way you do when you exercise, you focus on maintaining a rhythm, listen to the queues from your body to enhance pleasure. During exercise, you may push yourself harder or slow down a little – try doing the same in bed.

2. Fast-track your happy ending

Studies have shown that women who frequently exercise become aroused more quickly and are able to orgasm faster and more intensely. US researchers found that female study participants were 169 percent more aroused (as indicated by blood flow in genital tissue) while watching a short porn flick after 20 minutes of vigorous cycling than when they watched it without riding beforehand (and no, it had nothing to do with saddle placement). When you get excited, blood surges into the clitoral bulbs, making the entire region around the vagina responsive to pleasure. Cardio helps blood pump faster to the right parts of your body (great!); it can also reduce chronic inflammation, which can damage blood vessels and decrease circulation, putting a damper on your sexual bliss. Got your running shoes on yet?

3. Hit the sweet spot with HIIT

A healthy pair of lungs helps express your elation with more gusto, of course, but you’ll have a lot more to scream about if you learn to control your breath. Partners who breathe in tandem may create a bigger build-up, which can intensify pleasure. And women who take short, quick breaths as they reach climax – rather than holding their breath – may reduce carbon dioxide in the blood, possibly intensifying vaginal contractions. High-intensity interval training is one way to increase lung capacity; or try the 1:2 Pranayama yoga breathing technique. Lie on your back, knees bent, and take deep breaths. Increase the length of your exhalation until it’s double your inhalation. Aim for four seconds in, eight seconds out. Do this every day for five minutes with your partner. You’ll be vocalising your gratification through the grand finale later that night.

4. Rev your libido in the weights room

During a single resistance workout, your body produces higher levels of growth hormone and testosterone, hormones that play a pivotal role in muscle growth – and sex drive. A 2013 study found that hitting the weight room regularly (three days a week) keeps levels of these hormones higher. That, along with the stress-busting benefits of pumping iron, can stoke greater sexual desire, says Kim Chronister, author of The Psychology Behind Fitness Motivation.

5. Increase endurance with kettlebells

Some women can take 12 minutes – or longer – to orgasm. Many women are out of breath with minimal exercise long before 12 minutes.  Make sure you are fit enough to get every possible ounce of pleasure from sex.  Once you’re there, about to orgasm, you definitely don’t want to miss out due to a lack of endurance! If your body fizzles out prior to that, you may be missing out, says sex therapist Denise Onofrey. Regular physical activity improves stamina and trains your muscles to hold out longer by using energy more efficiently. The result? You won’t have to pause prematurely to give your aching arms or tired legs a break during your next epic sex session. Try adding two sets of eight barbell squats and kettlebell lunges to your workout to strengthen your glutes, quads, hamstrings and biceps, which will take the brunt of the exertion during most bedroom workouts.

6. Feel sexier with a sweat session

Turns out, exercise also transforms the way you view your body – and how you enjoy sex. Penhollow found that women who exercised frequently and reported higher levels of personal fitness were more likely to rate their desirability and sexual performance high above average. Researchers found that women of all <ital.> sizes who reported greater body appreciation (for their physical abilities, such as progress in the weight room) were more easily aroused, enjoyed sex more and had more orgasms.

7. Lighten your mood

Even feeling just a little down in the dumps can weaken desire, says Chronister. Exercise leads to an immediate rush of mood-lifting, stress-dissolving endorphins; it’s such a potent antidepressant that some research suggests regular workouts are as effective as psychiatric medications.

8. Shed weight and your inhibitions

Some women get seriously distracted – even totally turned off – when their partner touches one of their less-than-favourite body parts mid-romp. A consistent workout routine can help: when Italian researchers put a small group of obese women with sexual complaints in a supervised weight-loss program (that included diet and about 10 hours of low-intensity exercise per week), they not only lost an average of 15kg, but also reported higher levels of lubrication and sexual frequency after 16 weeks. Study authors note that weight loss does more than improve body image: it also helps improve insulin resistance. Overweight women whose bodies can’t use the hormone to process glucose also tend to have lower levels of testosterone, which dampens self-confidence and sexual response.

9. Heighten sensitivity with cardio

And we don’t mean crying during sex. The tissue that forms the clitoris contains 8 000 nerve fibres that extend into the entire pelvic region, including the vaginal walls. US researchers found that physical activity can also prime your body for sexual activity by making you more sensitive to touch and increasing the effect of stimuli by revving up a network of neurons that control your arousal.

True Or False

We separate sexercise facts from fiction…

You can orgasm mid-exercise

TRUE. US researchers found that about 40 percent of women who reported having an exercise-induced orgasm (better known as “coregasms”) said it happened suring ab exercises, like leg raises. Next in line? Weight-lifting (27 percent), yoga (20 percent) and cycling (16 percent).

Sex counts as a workout

FALSE. Nice try, but in most cases, sex should be filed in the “light activity” category –next to bowling or a casual stroll. According to the Women’s Health/Men’s Health 2014 Sex Survey, you want sex to last 30 minutes. Even if it’s super intense, the effort isn’t enough to get you a free pass from the gym.

Cycling can hurt your hoo-ha

TRUE, but rarely: the excessive pressure that exists in cycling and horse riding is reported to cause sexual dysfunction, says Dr Irwin Goldstein, editor of The Journal Of Sexual Medicine. These activities can increase the risk of damage to your pudendal nerve, which sends signals to and from your clitoris. Wearing padded shorts can help reduce pressure.

The Power Of Pleasure

Having more sex can actually score you better results from your workouts. Solo sex counts too!

PAIN RELIEF

Research shows that female pain tolerance increases significantly during orgasm, thanks to a rush of hormones that act as natural painkillers. The effect can linger for up to two days, so there’s another pay-off: you may be able to push a little harder during your next workout.

MIND GAMES

People with active sex lives tend to work out more and have better dietary habits than those who get it on less often. Why? During sex, as well as exercise, your brain releases higher levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that fuels motivation. The brain learns to seek more both in the bedroom and the gym, says Kim Chronister, author of The Psychology Behind Fitness Motivation.

SWEET DREAMS

After an orgasm, levels of prolactin and oxytocin rise, bringing on a drowsy feeling, which helps improve sleep quality over time, says Chronister. That’s crucial for your fitness: sleep spikes levels of muscle-building hormones and aids recovery.

HAPPY HEART

Research has found that women who have more orgasms and more frequent sex may have a higher resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes.

The Better-Sex Workout

Kegels aren’t the only exercise with down-below pay-offs. Bring on the fireworks with these four simple strength moves from trainer Jennifer Searles. For more gratifying sessions in the sack, mix three sets of each into your regular gym routine up to three days a week.

HIP THRUST

This motion improves hip mobility and glute strength to increase your dynamic power (or, shall we say, your thrust capacity).

DO IT: Lie face-up on the floor, knees bent and feet flat (A). Press through your heels to raise your hips so your body forms a straight line from shoulders to knees (B); squeeze your glutes for 10 seconds, then lower hips without letting them touch the floor. That’s one rep. Do 12.

WALL SIT

This isometric move builds strength in stillness – perfect for helping you hold tricky positions longer.

DO IT: Lean against a wall with your feet about 60cm away from it, then bend your knees to 90 degrees and raise your arms in front of you. Hold for 60 seconds. (Too easy? Place a weight in your lap.)

HIP-FLEXOR STRETCH

Whether you have a kinky new pose you’re dying to try or you just want to be able to wrap your legs around him, developing more hip flexibility is crucial.

DO IT: Kneel with one foot in front of you, knees bent at 90 degrees. Keep your torso upright and rest your hands on your hips (A). Gently push your hips forward as far as you can, maintaining an upright torso (B). Hold for 10 to 20 seconds, then repeat on the other side.

Quick Tip

Increase the intensity of the stretch by raising your opposite arm straight overhead.

LEG-LOWERING DRILL

Be warned: this core toner may cause more intense Os.

DO IT: Lie face-up on the floor, arms out, and raise both legs to 90 degrees (A). Keeping your legs together and core engaged, slowly lower your legs, stopping just before they touch the floor (B). Pause, then slowly raise them back to start. That’s one rep; do 10.

Quick Tip

Keep your legs tightly together and your knees slightly bent.

 

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Honeymoon Crash Course – Sexual Health 101

Honeymoon Crash Course – Sexual Health 101

By Dr Elna Rudolph.

Wedding night jitters? Welcome to Sexual Health 101 – find everything you need to know about sex and your sexual health before you set off on your honeymoon.

 

Things to do before your honeymoon

  1. Start getting excited about sex!

It doesn’t matter whether you’re still a virgin or if you have been sexually active before – sex inside of marriage is very special and something that you can look forward to.

If you are a virgin:  You most probably decided to remain a virgin for your wedding day due to religious convictions and that is wonderful.  To manage to do this, you have had to say “no” to the natural processes in your body – being attracted to the one you love but not able to express it fully.  In some ways this resulted in the suppression of your sexuality. Like many of us, you also probably grew up in a household and society in which you didn’t get the most positive messages about sex, sometimes even believing that it is wrong or dirty and definitely not enjoyable.

It is very important that you start with positive self-talk about sex now.  If you have been avoiding reading and learning about sex, now is the time!  Start buying magazines like Women’s Health Magazine and Intimacy/Intiem as well as books about sex. Attend an engagement course where there is good sex education, speak to your close friends and family members you trust – do what you have to get a positive mindset about sex and become excited about it!  It is also important to discuss sex with you fiancée now, if you haven’t done so before.  You have to know what his ideas and expectations are before you get married.  If you find this too difficult, we can help you.

If you realise that you have particularly negative ideas about sex, or are terrified of it, please make an appointment to speak to one of us before you get married.

If you have been abstaining for a while:  Many girls have been sexually active before but decided to abstain for a period before they get married.  In this case you may have switched off your brain for sex.  It is important to make sure that you don’t have negative ideas about sex and that sex will still be physically possible.  Although you are abstaining, allow yourself to think about sex positively and develop an excitement for the new beginning that is waiting for you!  If sex was previously not what you had hoped for, get help now to make sure that marital sex is what it is meant to be for you.

If you have been sexually active:  It is necessary to believe that the best is yet to come.  Don’t settle for what you have been used to.  Buy a few magazines and books to inspire you again to develop new ideas.  If sex is already a problem, why not invest some time and energy now into fixing it, before you start your life together officially?

  1. Prevention of Pregnancy:

Choosing a sex-positive contraception is extremely important!  There is no point in using a method to prevent you from falling pregnant during sex if that method is going to take away your sex drive altogether!

Hormonal Contraception:

This is the method most women still prefer to use and includes the pill, the patch or the ring, as well as the injections, implants and the Mirena.  All of these methods are extremely effective.  The side-effects vary according to the method you choose as well as your body’s response to it.

Whether the pill, patch, ring, injection or implant is going to take away your libido or not, is genetically predetermined, but unfortunately we don’t have a way of knowing beforehand.  Something to look out for is your arousablity.  If you are not responding to stimulation like kissing and other forms of foreplay the way you used to, it is most likely due to your contraception.  If you don’t get aroused, you will also feel drier and orgasm will be more difficult.

The Mirena is a sex-positive contraceptive.  It does not take over the hormones of your entire body – it only works in the uterus where it thickens the mucous in your cervix to make it impossible for sperm to enter into the uterus.  It does not cause an abortion.  It also does not cause bad skin, but it also does not fix acne like the pill does.  Only 4% of people who have had the Mirena inserted were unhappy with it and had it removed.

We insert the Mirena under conscious sedation – it is not a painful or traumatic experience at all!  It lasts for 5 years but can be removed at any point if you want to fall pregnant.

If you are already using a method that you are happy with, stay on it.  Start looking for the right contraceptive at least six months before you get married – sometimes you have to try a few options before you find the right one for you.

If you would like to discuss these options, please make an appointment with one of us.

Other methods:

Condoms are effective contraception, if they are used from the start of intercourse and correctly.  If there are any concerns about breakage, make sure you use the morning after pill (which is available without prescription from pharmacies).

Natural methods like avoiding your most fertile days and withdrawing can also be effective, but about one in 5 women using these methods will fall pregnant within a year.

  1. Make sure both of you have a clean slate:

If you or your hubby-to-be have had sex with one person without a condom before, you may have been exposed to HIV, syphilis, Hepatitis B, HPV, Herpes, Gonorrhoea, Chlamydia, Thrichomoniasis and many other infections.  Even if it was years ago, you can have these infections without even knowing about it and you can certainly transmit them to your partner or become infected by him if you are having unprotected intercourse.

We do a few blood tests and give you presumptive prophylactic treatment for the rest.  Please make an appointment to avoid taking anything that belongs in your past, into your marriage.

  1. Prevent Infections and Cancer:

There are vaccinations available to prevent cervix cancer – the cancer responsible for killing most women in Africa. They are Cervarix and Gardasil.  Gardasil also prevents genital warts in men and women as well as throat cancer, penile and anus cancer.  It is highly advisable that you get these injections before you become sexually active.  Even if you are sexually active, get it sooner rather than later.  Men can also take Gardasil.  Everybody needs three injections over a six months period.

You can also get vaccinated against Hepatitis B, which is a sexually transmitted infection.  It is advisable to get vaccinated against measles again as an adult and against pertussis before you have babies, so you might want to do it all at once now.

Your GP may not be aware of this, contact our offices if you would like to arrange vaccination for you and your fiancée.

  1. Pap Smear and Gynae Examination:

If you have not been sexually active and are under 25 years old, you do not need a pap smear or a pelvic exam or an internal ultrasound before you get married.  Many women see us anyway because they want to know whether everything is functioning normal and if they will be able to have sex.  At this visit we also discuss contraception, infections, immunizations and prescribe antibiotics for the honeymoon.

If you have been sexually active for a year, you need a pap smear.  You should have it done at least every second year in your twenties and every third year in your thirties.  When you are in your thirties, you can also request an HPV test to check for the virus that causes cervix cancer.

The First Night

If you are still a virgin and nervous about the first night, here are answers to some of the most important questions you may have:

Will penetration be possible?

Make sure that you are able to insert tampons and at least two fingers into your vagina before you get married.  If you are not able to do so, please come and see us.  In that case the vaginal canal is too narrow and we will help you with creams and exercises to stretch the canal in order for penetration to be possible.

If it is impossible to penetrate, don’t worry about it – you have the rest of your lives to get it right!  Enjoy the other things there are to sexual intimacy and  make an appointment when you get back from honeymoon so that we can help you find the cause and treat it.

Will it hurt?

If you can insert tampons and two fingers, it should not hurt too much.  It is extremely important to make sure that you are very aroused by the time you try to attempt penetration.  If you are not aroused, you are dry, the uterus sits low in the vagina and the muscles around the vagina are not relaxed – all of these factors will contribute to pain.  If it hurts, don’t worry too much about it.  It will get better every time you try.

Use extra lubrication for the firsts few attempt. Apply it to your vaginal opening and to the head and shaft of his penis.  Our advice is to not use flavoured lubes during the honeymoon – it might cause infection.  You can use flavoured products for massages, but rather avoid them in the beginning and slowly introduce them as you get used to sex.

If sex continues to hurt, enjoy other forms of stimulation and come and see us – sex should not hurt!  We will find the cause of your pain and treat it.

Will it bleed?

If you have been using big tampons, it might not bleed.  This does not mean that you are not a virgin! It might also bleed quite a lot and more than once – that is normal.

What is the best position for first-time sex?

The so-called missionary position, where the women is laying on her back, is most likely the best.  Put a pillow under your bum to make the angle easier for him to penetrate and make sure that you are very aroused by the time he tries.

Take it slow.  You might find that there is some resistance, but with very mild pressure, he should be able to get through it.   You can use your hand to guide his penis in the right direction and to determine the pace at which he proceeds.  Don’t expect to be able to do heavy thrusting during the first attempt – just enjoy being so extremely close and intimate.  If you are comfortable, you can start with gentle movement.

Some women prefer to be on top – they feel more in control and can lower themselves onto their husband’s penis at a pace that they are comfortable with.

You might find that only one or two positions are comfortable initially – that is okay!  As you get used to it, it might become more and more comfortable to try other positions.

What is the best time?

You might choose not to have sex on the night of the wedding.  You are so tired after the biggest day of your life and often the drinks have been flowing for you and for him.  Tiredness and alcohol interfere with sexual performance.  You have been waiting for this night for a very long time – it is perfectly okay to wait one more night and try it the next day.

Men have higher testosterone levels in the morning and therefore they also have higher libidos in the morning.  Make sure you have some refreshing gum on the bedside table to do away with those morning breaths – they can be a bit of a passion killer!

What is good foreplay?

If you have only been kissing up to the wedding day, it is unrealistic to think that you will be comfortable with foreplay and penetrative sex right away.  You might want to take it slow and just give your bodies the chance to get used to each other before you attempt penetration.  It can even take a few days or weeks before you feel ready, and that is perfectly okay!

Foreplay usually involves intimate kissing, caressing the entire body as well as touching, licking, sucking and kissing the breasts and genitals.  There are all kinds of oils and lotions to help you make foreplay more sensual and exciting.

The most sensitive areas for women are their breasts and the clitoris.  The clitoris sits just under the place where the lips split, just below the bony area.  It is extremely sensitive and therefore oral stimulation of the clitoris works particularly well.  The G-spot is about one third into the vagina on the anterior wall and best stimulated with a finger.  Not all women have one, so don’t worry too much about it if you can’t find it on your honeymoon!

For men, the most sensitive area is the head of the penis, although the scrotum, testis and perineum (area behind the scrotum), as well as the nipples, can also be stimulated to give him pleasure.

To feel comfortable with foreplay, you may want to make sure that you are fresh ‘down there’.  It is best to take a relaxing bath or shower (together, if you are comfortable with it) to relax and get yourself in the mood.

Will we have orgasms?

It is very likely that your husband will have an orgasm very soon after penetration – that is perfectly normal in the beginning.  It is also likely that he will not have an orgasm at all, due to the pressure of performing.  Don’t worry about it and just enjoy the fun and intimacy of the experience.  If any of these problems continue after the honeymoon, make an appointment with us – it is easy to treat and not necessary to cause you stress.

Only one third of women experience so-called vaginal orgasms – that is an orgasm during penetrative sex.  Another third will have it during penetration, but only if her clitoris is stimulated.  This can be done with his hand, her hand, a small external vibrator or other forms of indirect stimulation.  Another third of women can only orgasm through foreplay with either manual, oral or vibratory stimulation of her clitoris.

Remember: you can have perfectly satisfying sex without having an orgasm! Do not put too much pressure on yourself in the beginning.  It is extremely important that you know your own body to guide your husband to give you the right stimulation.  If you have been uncomfortable to explore yourself, it will take some time for you to figure it out and that is okay.

Do not expect to see any fluid when you have an orgasm.  It is also normal to expel up to a cup full of fluid during orgasm, but that only happens for the minority of women.

It is your right to have an orgasm during every sexual encounter, but you do not have to feel obliged!  If you continue to struggle to reach an orgasm, make an appointment with us, we will be able to guide you.

What happens after sex?

If you did not use a condom, his semen will eventually run out of your vagina.  For some women this happens immediately and for some it happens over the next few hours or days.  Make sure you have some tissues close to the bed to avoid making a mess.  Some also prefer to put a towel under them in case they make a mess.  Some women can just put some tissue or a small pad into their panties and sleep like that, but most prefer to get up, sit on the toilet for a while in order for the semen to run out.  It is also a good idea to pass urine after sex – that clears any bacteria that might have moved up your urethra during sex to avoid a bladder infection.

Some people prefer to take a shower after sex.  Make sure you use the right soaps when you clean your genital area.  Do not douche or try to wash the semen out of your vagina! This can be extremely harmful! It washes away all the good bacteria and that causes pH imbalances which can result in irritation and infection. It is extremely important to wipe or rinse any flavoured lubrication, or any other product you might have used during sex, as these can cause significant irritation and even infection.

If you feel a bit sensitive after sex, you can apply a special intimate soothing gel to ease the irritation.  It is normal to experience some burning after sex but it should subside within a few minutes.  If it lasts longer than that, make an appointment – it is not normal to be uncomfortable for hours and days after sex.

Infections

Bladder infections:

Many women get bladder infections when they become sexually active.  You will feel a discomfort in your bladder, have the need to go to the toilet frequently, and experience a burning sensation after urination.  Use Citro-Soda  when you feel the irritation.  Drink lots of berry juice or buy berry supplements to take daily on your honeymoon.

If you begin to get a fever and feel ill, you will need an antibiotic.  You will need to see a doctor for a prescription.  If you see us before you get married, we will give you a prescription to buy antibiotics to take with you on your honeymoon, if you would like be prepared for emergencies.

Yeast infections:

Thrush or candida is also a common problem when you become sexually active.  If you have an itchiness and a white discharge, it is most likely candida.  You can buy some Canestan or Canalba cream before you go on your honeymoon.  We also prescribe a tablet for candida if you see us before you get married – you may not particularly want to be inserting cream in your vagina twice a day on your honeymoon!

Other infections:

Remember: up to a tablespoon full of vaginal discharge per day is normal! If it itches, burns or has a foul smell, it is not normal.  In that case you will have to be examined to see what the problem is.

As noted before:  If one of you has had sex without a condom before, you will need to be tested and treated for sexually transmitted infections, even if you do not have any symptoms.  Please make an appointment.

If you struggle with frequent infections, please come and see us.  It is not normal to have more than three infections in a year and the cause of the infections should be treated.

Additional Notes

Libido:

It is normal for men to desire sex much more frequently than women.  Initially, most women experience spontaneous desire for sex, but as time goes by it is normal for women to only develop desire once foreplay has started.  In other words, most women start sex completely neutral and then develop desire after some good stimulation has taken place.

Sometimes the man is the low desire partner.  This can be normal, but it can also be a sign of serious medical, psychological or relationship problems.  If you are worried about it, please contact us.

If a man cannot get, or maintain, an erection every now and then, it is okay, but if it remains a problem, please make an appointment for him – it can be a sign of heart disease and thorough investigations are necessary.

Frequency:

If you read popular magazines you would think that people are having sex every day or at least three times a week.  There is no such a thing as “normal.”  It depends on what works for both of you.  The reality is that most people are having sex only once a week or less.

Make sure you make time for each other regularly and if it leads to sex, great!  Spend fifteen minutes every day, one night a week, one weekend a month and one week a year just in each other’s company – no phones, television, computers, animals or kids.  Just the two of you, talking to each other about the things that are on your hearts.

Also: Sex should not be a big affair that takes an hour every time, it is too much of an effort to maintain such high standards.  Sometimes a quickie can be very exciting and more than good enough.  But: make sure that you do put in effort regularly – buy an exciting product or a piece of lingerie or try something you read in a magazine.  The more often you try something new and exciting, the less likely you are to become bored of your sex life.

We have some exciting products you can purchase discreetly from our online shop – you don’t have to enter a dodgy shop where you don’t want to be seen! Visit My Sexual Health Shop to browse our products.

On a serious note:

If you have experienced any degree of sexual abuse, if sex is an unpleasant event for you, if you are concerned about a porn addiction or sexual requests that your partner makes that you are not comfortable with, or if there has been infidelity – all of these can be dealt with effectively in therapy.  Please contact us to arrange an appointment – don’t allow anything, big or small, to interfere in your marriage.

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Sex Marks the Spot – Sexual Exploration

Sex Marks the Spot – Sexual Exploration

*Adapted by Dr. Elna Rudolph from an Article in Woman’s Health Magazine, authored by Kirsty Carpenter and Maressa Brown.

In this article, we explore various erogenous zones and offer some basic tips on how to stimulate your partner.

First things first

It is important to follow the basic steps of sensate focus, including setting up the room.  Always first start with a general massage/light touch before you move on to the erogenous zones.  It is important that you end these sessions with some sensual kissing.  You can start with it too, if you feel comfortable.

Erogenous zones: “Your body is a wonderland”

1. Mouth

Even a peck will ignite the brain’s passion centers and bolster emotional bonding.   Making out boosts levels of dopamine, a desire-spiking neurotransmitter in both men and women.

Start with soft, faint kisses before you explore his/her mouth with your tongue.  To get your partner going, trace his/her lips slowly with your tongue, or softly bite the edge of his/her lower lip with your teeth.

2. Ears

They’re deemed an erogenous zone because of their neural tenderness. You can nibble his/her lobe and take it in your mouth – a move that can feel especially good if he/she has piercings. (The puncture disrupts nerves’ pathways to the brain, which can make it more sensitive.)

The ears can help your partner reach his/her peak. Try delicately nibbling or licking his/her ears as he/she is getting more aroused, while whispering something in his/her ear like: “Do you like it when I touch you?”

3. Neck

This part has a high concentration of light-touch receptors that can go seriously gaga for smooches, gentle petting and even the tickle of your partner’s breath. Rub, kiss, suck or lightly scratch the back of his/her neck, right below the hairline, which is an especially erotic spot.

The back of the neck loves low-frequency vibrations. Take advantage by kissing it with your mouth slightly open and hum. The combination of heat and vibrations will help prompt some serious sensations for him. Or use a small vibrator to massage his/her nape.

4. Nipples & areolae

Yes, guys also enjoy nipple stimulation!  Especially if it is coupled with stimulation of the penis.

Light-to-medium pressure works well here, so it is a good idea to suck on his/her nipple.  You can also activate the nipples’ temp-discerning nerves by first circling them with ice, then lightly drizzling them with warm wax from a soy-based candle (which has a lower melting temp and is less likely to burn skin).  The areola doesn’t have as many nerves as the nipple, so subtle pinching can trump barely-there strokes. You can also squeeze, rub or cup her breasts to rev this zone.   Put a finger on each side of her nipple to add more feel-good pressure.

5. Clitoris

Boasting thousands of crowded nerve endings, it’s her most sensitive body part – so much so, she might not like it if you rush there without warming her up first. Instead, get the blood flowing by rubbing her tenderly on the thighs or the belly before zeroing in on the C-spot. Once she is sufficiently turned on, medium pressure in a circular motion (using fingertips) or vibration (with a toy) at a fast speed are the best ways to fire up the clitoris.  Add some lubrication – if it is dry, it can be uncomfortable.

6. Vagina

The super-vulnerable skin on the outer edge responds to light touch, like stroking and gentle vibration. Meanwhile, the inner part prefers pressure and motion. Tease the opening of her vagina with one finger, then insert two lubricated digits, curving them as you push in and out to increase the feeling of fullness and to get to her G-spot, which is located on the upper wall, close to the opening.  “Come-hither” movements best stimulate the G-spot.

7. Butt

Beyond squeezing and spanking, a lot of men and women enjoy some form of anal play.  The nerves that supplies the anus with sensation, also supplies the clitoris and the rest of the genital area.  Your brain does not easy distinguish between the two!

Arousal and lube are essential first steps.  Tread slowly, use your fingers to circle the opening gently.

Hygiene in this area is of utmost importance! If you are going there, make sure you have taken a shower before the event and use sanitizing wipes on your hands afterwards.

8. Perineum

Behind the scrotum and before his rear entry, this bulls-eye contains a gent’s ejaculatory muscles. Gentle stroking can work, but it is usually firmer pressure that brings the real pleasure.

9. Testicles

No biting or pinching: they’re vulnerable to sharp impact. Try gentle sucking, squeezing, or cupping, which may help some men reach climax more easily during sex.

10. Glans

The head of the penis, or the glans, has significantly more nerves than the shaft, so don’t skimp on the attention. It’s basically the closest thing he has has to a clitoris. Coat your fingers in lube, loop them into an O shape and slide them over the glans. Use short, slow pumps that tighten around the tip. During oral, run your tongue all over the glans and use some soft suction.

11. Penis shaft

Most guys like it handled pretty firmly.  Firstly, make sure he’s well lubricated with either a lubricant, oil or saliva. Then form a fist around the shaft, moving up and down.   You can add pressure as you go and use a firm grip, but ensure you’re always in tune with his non-verbal responses.  This will help you adjust your pressure accordingly. “Think of it in terms of massage, too soft and you’ll tickle, too hard and you’ll bruise.”

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Love Coach: The Sex Doctor Will See You Now

The Sex Doctor Will See You Now

By Dr. Elna Rudolph, published in Women’s Health Magazine, December 2014.

WH’s resident sex doc shares four of her actual cases with advice so real and raunchy, you’ll want to try it tonight!

Read the full article here.

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O-O-O-O-Orgasm!

O-O-O-O-Orgasm!

By Sarah Z Wexler

The public convo surrounding the female orgasm has officially climaxed: last year, Nicki Minaj told a magazine that she demands one every single time she has sex (and thinks you should too); #GetCliterate blew up all over social media; and a provocative video series, Hysterical Literature – in which women are brought to ecstasy by a vibrator while trying to read a book aloud – has reached 19 million views on YouTube.

All this attention to our Os has done a world of good, it seems. For the first time ever, research shows that the majority of women typically come during sex – 89 percent of those 18 to 34 years old, to be exact, according to a new survey by Skyn Condoms. (In the not-so-distant past, The Kinsey Institute ball-parked this number as low as 20 percent.)

Still, we believe the peak of sexual pleasure can be hotter, stronger, more frequent, more ’gasm-y. Our mission in this session? To celebrate (and elevate) your body’s most powerful release.

Lesson One: A guide to your lady parts

Forget GPS. Some of us could benefit from a little CPS. When asked in a study to point to the clitoris on a diagram of the female genitalia, 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men were completely lost, the majority of those believing it was located “on the front wall of the vaginal canal”. Nope! Considering it’s the epicentre of pleasure for most women, a tutorial is in order. So, lock the door, grab a hand mirror, and let’s inspect your ittiest bits.

Prepuce

Gently pull back your outer and inner vaginal lips, and up top you’ll see this little hood. Like the foreskin on an uncircumcised penis, it protects your glans clitoris (your big O spot) and “retracts when you become aroused,” says gynaecologist Dr Lauren Streicher, author of Sex RX.

Glans clitoris

Lift the prepuce and you’ll meet the external part of the clitoris – and the orgasm holy grail. This pink little nub contains 8 000 supersensitive nerves. The closer it is to your vaginal opening, the higher the chances you’ll get off during penetrative sex. If yours is spaced further away (we’re talking a difference in millimetres), try a rear-entry position while your guy rubs your GC with a hand or a vibrator, says Streicher.

Corpus cavernosum

These are the “legs” of the clitoris, which are connected to the glans clitoris. They’re located inside your body (like a muscle), so they aren’t visible or touchable from the outside. They contain erectile tissue and swell with blood when you become aroused. Unlike a schlong, however, they don’t rise when you get a lady boner.

Urethral opening

This bitty dot located a smidge under the clitoris is where pee comes out – and possibly ejaculate for the 10 percent or more of women who “squirt” during orgasm. Streicher says we aren’t sure if the fluid is entirely ejaculate from the Skene’s glands, or whether it’s mixed with some urine. In any case, it’s not an erogenous part.

Vagina opening

To put it bluntly, where the penis or dildo goes. “It doesn’t have nearly as many nerve endings or the same kind of sensitivity as the clitoris, though, which explains why most women don’t climax simply from penetration,” explains Streicher.

G-spot

A vaguely defined structure near the vaginal opening, along the roof (closer to your stomach than back). Is it an extension of the clitoris or a separate structure? That’s up for debate. But stroking it can feel intensely satisfying.

Cervix

Located about 10cm inside your vagina, where the vaginal canal ends (though this distance varies from woman to woman and also lengthens a few inches to accommodate a penis or dildo when a woman is aroused, says Streicher). A well-endowed partner (or sex toy) can stimulate it, and some women say that’s enough to make them peak.

Lesson Two: The Kegel Challenge

Your pelvic-floor muscles control those incredible contractions you feel during an orgasm, so it’s in your best interest to keep them tight and toned (age, significant weight gain or pregnancy can zap them of their strength). A riot of new devices are designed to pump them back up. Our ready-and-willing testers gave them a go every day for a week. The results, below.

> Minna Kgoal

How it works: A balloon-like, buzzing device links via Bluetooth to an app that provides workout challenges and performance scores.

The verdict: “My pelvic muscles feel like they are getting stronger, but my Os are the same. I liked the app – I’ve always wondered if I was doing Kegels wrong.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Lelo Luna Smart Bead

How it works: This smooth, palm-size, vibrating pebble contains touch sensors that track your exercises and light up to plot your progress.

The verdict: “When I squeezed my Kegels during sex with my boyfriend, he popped off in, like, two seconds. Mine took as long as usual, and felt about the same.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Je Joue Ami Balls

How they work: This set of three weighted balls (with strings for easy removal) progresses from large and light to small and heavy; you must squeeze to hold them in place.

The verdict: “My orgasms are slightly more intense. They last a little longer, and I feel like I ‘released’ something that I haven’t felt before.”

(Matildas.co.za)

> Fifty Shades of Grey Beyong Aroused Ben-wa Balls

How they work: This set of four weighted balls (ranging from 15 to 55g) can be inserted vaginally on their own, or with the included cradle (which holds two balls at once).

The verdict: “I felt a post-orgasm sensation for longer than usual, and there was some pulsing of the muscle that occurred afterward.”

(LadyFays.co.za)

*Use these products with caution.

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU HAVE PAINFUL INTERCOURSE, DO NOT USE THESE DEVICES. IT IS LIKELY TO CAUSE A HYPERACTIVE PELVIC FLOOR, MAKING THE PAIN WORSE.

Lesson Three: Don’t be bullied into your big O!

A public service announcement from The Big Bang Theory’s Dr Mayim Bialik (yes, she’s a neuroscientist!)

“I’m all for female sexual empowerment. But this ‘women have to have an orgasm every time they have sex’ business is stressing me out. Not me personally. But generally speaking, it’s stressing me out.

“As a scientist, I can assure you that the female orgasm is one of the greatest incidental occurrences of biology. (Thank you, Mother Nature. Huge fan.) Procreation doesn’t need one to make babies; it’s a delightful side effect of intercourse. Research suggests that women whose partners take the time to help them achieve orgasm feel more bonded to them and may even have a better chance of getting pregnant. (I love those studies.) So, yeah, Team Orgasm all the way.

“However, the notion that ‘sexual equality’ means that every time your partner has an orgasm you should too is problematic. It creates an unnecessary pressure. You see, male orgasm is the finish line for the male experience. Women’s orgasm is a horse of a different colour. We can have orgasms before, during, or after sex and – thanks to the wonders of the female body – sometimes a few times in the course of one sexual coupling! (Shout out to Mother Nature again on that one!) But it’s not imperative for us to have one, nor does it define our sexual experience as a whole. Sometimes we may not have the focus, energy or stamina to make one happen, and that has to be okay. It’s still sex without the orgasm; that’s a biological fact.”

Our sexpert answers your burning Qs

Emily Morse, sexologist. Host of the podcast Sex with Emily and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.

QUIRKY CLIMAX

What’s the weirdest way a woman can reach orgasm?

Some can have a “nipplegasm”, since stimulating the nipples releases oxytocin, causing vaginal contractions and an increase in blood flow to the genitals. Nocturnal Os are possible too. Having a hot dream during REM sleep spikes blood flow to your vagina, and boom! Even “mindgasms” can occur from deep breathing paired with erotic thoughts.

WAKE THE NEIGHBOURS

If I’m more vocal in bed, will that up my chances of having an orgasm?

Yes, research shows that women who speak up feel more pleasure, as do their partners. Doesn’t have to be dirty talk, per se. Even something as simple as “Oh yea” or “Don’t stop” can get the message across. Specifics? Bring it on. “I love it when you use your fingers while you go down on me,” or “When you swivel your hips, I lose all control.” This boosts your partner’s self-esteem by reassuring him that what he’s doing feels good; it also gives him intel on what you like and keeps you in the moment. If you’re too shy, moaning will communicate your needs.

Show & Tell: My best O-moment

We asked some brave women to fill in the blank: “I had my most epic orgasm when…”

“My boyfriend blindfolded me with his tie and went down on me. Not being able to see definitely heightened my other senses, plus it was totally out of character for him!”

“I applied a strong vibrator to my C-spot while stroking my G-spot with one finger. I could tell I was touching my G-spot because it felt spongy – different than the rest of my vagina. The combo felt so unbelievably good, it took me seconds to orgasm!”

“We were in the shower and my BF was using his hands to stimulate my clit (with lots of lube). The tingly sensations lasted forever, and the finale was epic.”

“We started with missionary sex, then he leaned all the way backward so that I was able to get on top. I ground into him with circular motions while he very slowly thrusted upward.”

“My partner teased out the foreplay as long as possible, bringing me to the brink of orgasming but then backing off a bit (and doing that over and over again).”

“My partner slipped a single finger in my backdoor while performing oral sex in front. Aaaahhh!”

 

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Die noodsaaklikheid van seksopvoeding en jou ‘tween’

Deur Dr. Elna Rudolph, gepubliseer in Intiem Tydskrif, Maart 2015.

Jou tween is op daardie ongemaklike stadium – nóg kind nóg tiener. ‘n Inbetweener, of kortweg, ‘n tween. Die vrae raak al hoe meer. Hulle selfbeeld word vanuit alle rigtings gesqueeze en uitmekaar getrek. En julle as ouers moet seker maak sy of hy weet genoeg…

Lees die volledige artikel hier.

 

SHARE: Global Community for Sex, HIV And Reproductive Empowerment

For people living with HIV and healthcare providers interested in HIV, there is a new Global Community for Sex, HIV And Reproductive Empowerment called Global SHARE – a community of providers, civil society members and people living with HIV (PLHIV) who are interested in addressing the reproductive needs and rights of PLHIV.

The aims of the group is to share skills, knowledge, tools, experiences and research findings to support providers in gaining skills around optimising sexual and reproductive health (SRH) for those in their care who are living with HIV, and enabling and empowering PLHIV to make informed reproductive choices. Global SHARE hopes to be a dynamic, engaging group that gains a global voice to influence SRH policies, programmes and access for PLHIV.

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Wedding Night – What to Expect

Wedding Night – What to Expect

Published by Femagene.

Many newlyweds experience nervousness before their first night of having sex. This educational video will give you some peace of mind of what to expect and how to curb the tension.

How to tell him what you like

How to tell him what you like

sex-talk.jpg
It is not always easy to talk about what you like and what you don’t like in bed. How do you tell him that you are really turned off by something he does without hurting his feelings?

How well does it work to say: “No stop that”, “not so hard” and so on…

It might sound obvious, but some interesting new research is emerging to show that sexual satisfaction is higher in couples who give positive feedback verbally and negative feedback non-verbally.

Therefore, to communicate about sex effectively you should have to two different approaches…

1. Giving Positive Feedback

This should be done verbally. Tell him what you like during and after the session. Your man will remember this and in future will consciously or sub-consciously do what he got positive reinforcement for. This is not about telling him what to do, it is about telling him what he is doing right (because you want more of it!).

2. Giving Negative Feedback

If negative feedback is given verbally, people tend to lose their confidence in bed. If you tell him: “you are going too fast” and 10 seconds later, “it is too hard”, and another few seconds later; “leave my boobs alone for few minutes please”, you are probably going to end up with a lover who is very nervous and in the end, incompetent.

The same message could have been given non-verbally by using your hands to slow him down, ease his grip or change his position. You can also change your position or start pleasuring him. He might not even notice, but again, consciously or sub-consciously he will not continue to do something that he is not rewarded for.

I have seen too often how couples cause damage that takes ages to repair by saying negative things about their partner’s sexual performance. It’s not necessary – non-verbal communication works so much better. I am not talking about situations where he continues to do something that is hurting you or uncomfortable. You will have to communicate that verbally if he is not getting the message.