Sexual Etiquette

Sexual Etiquette

Mariette Snyman talks to Dr Elna Rudolph about sexual etiquette – what it is and how to effectively communicate preferences and dislikes to enjoy greater intimacy.

In Rooi Rose Radio’s new podcast series “Tussen Ons“, specialist journalist Mariette Snyman talks to various experts on women’s heart issues, sexual health and happy relationships. If you’ve ever had any questions about sensitive topics such as painful sex, erectile dysfunction, low libido, menopause and sexual etiquette, this series is for you!

Listen to the podcast here.




This is an interview with me by Boitumelo Matshaba from Move! Magazine about lubricants. Make your pick!

Read the full article here.

Make sure you also check out our products to enhance sexual pleasure.

35 Titillating Stats About South Africans’ Sex Lives

In October [2017], Sunday Times Lifestyle conducted a sex survey in association with local research house Ratepop, using their proprietary chatbot technology. This chatbot is a computer program, designed to simulate conversation with human users, and is hosted on Facebook Messenger. As part of the survey, more than 2,000 ordinary South Africans with internet access answered a number of questions about their sex lives.

Originally published on 05 November 2017 in Sunday Times Lifestyle.

Read the full article here.

Dr Elna Rudolph
Dr Elna Rudolph – Medical Doctor, Sexologist and Clinical Head of My Sexual Health.
086 7272950


Sensate focus therapy is one of the most well-known techniques used in Sex Therapy. It can be applied to almost any sexual dysfunction in men and women. It involves petting, massaging, intimate touch and foreplay – both sensual and sexual. Sensate focus helps you and your partner to get to know each other’s bodies better. It also helps you to identify the different sensual zones on your body and to become more self-aware.
Note that there is a difference between “sensual” and “sexual.” Sexual refers to the physical act of sex. Sensual takes into account all of the messages from your five senses (smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound) and puts them together in an all-encompassing experience. To truly enjoy sex, you and your partner need to learn to be sensual first, then sexual. We refer to this as “Outercourse” before “Intercourse.”

If you have been prescribed Sensate Focus Therapy by your doctor/therapist/sexologist, you can follow these steps:

  1. Decide who is going to give (the GIVER) and who is going to receive (the RECEIVER) first. You can do this by flipping a coin if no one wants to volunteer. The person who gives first has to set the first date and time. It is VERY important that you stick to this first appointment. If for some unforeseen reason, you could not stick to the plan, you have to reschedule with a specific date and time again. Don’t wait for a time when you are both just spontaneously in the mood to do it – that is very unlikely to happen! You have to say: “This Wednesday at 20h00.” Be VERY specific. Do not wait for bedtime using your last little bit of energy for this exercise – it’s always a disaster!
  2. The Giver has to create a romantic atmosphere with candles, music, scented oils – whatever you think your partner might enjoy.
  3. Begin the session by de-stressing and getting your mind ready to be sensual. This might involve taking a quick nap, taking a long bubble bath alone or together, being on your own to fantasize, etc. The more you prepare yourself mentally for the session, the more exciting it will be.
  4. You can do these sessions fully clothed, in your underwear or naked – whatever you and your partner are comfortable with.
  5. When you are ready, the Giver starts to explore the body of the Receiver by stroking lightly and firmly, massaging, caressing, kissing and blowing on the Receiver’s entire back, arms, chest, abdomen, legs, neck and face for twenty minutes.
  6. The Giver is not allowed to touch the breasts or genitals of the Receiver or to kiss the Receiver on the mouth. Kissing on other parts of the body is allowed. A minute or two of passionate kissing is advised after the session, if you feel up to it.
  7. The Receiver is allowed to use sounds to let the Giver know how he or she feels, but no words. It is a good to let your partner know that you are enjoying the moment by the sounds that you make, if you are comfortable doing so.
  8. During this exercise the idea for both the Giver and the Receiver is to become aware of the sensations involved in being touched. Focus on exactly what your partner is doing and what are you enjoying about it. To stay in the moment, it sometimes helps if you tell yourself: “He/She is gently stroking my arm with his/her fingertips. It feels good. I find it relaxing/arousing/erotic”. Don’t put pressure on yourself to find everything your partner does arousing or erotic. Some things might even just be neutral or even mildly unpleasant. It is okay. If you find something uncomfortable, just move your body slightly – don’t say something negative!
  9. If you are one of those very few people who are able to orgasm without breast or genital stimulation, go for it! If you can’t, complete the session by just holding each other until the arousal subsides.
  10. After the session, get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and tell each other what you have enjoyed about the session. This is the first time you are allowed to use words and you should mention five positive things about the session. The Receiver should go first and then the Giver should also mention five positive things about the session. It is very important to not mention negative things or things you did not like, only positive things. Your therapist will ask you about these things during the session – it is the most important part of the exercise!
  11. Some people find it helpful to draw a body map and make notes on it for example: Neck: kissing, thighs: light touch, lower back: gently blowing, etc. This helps you keep a record of what your partner likes in order to use it when you make love after you have completed your sensate focus therapy.
  12. You can switch roles on the same night or set a date for another night where you will switch roles. It is extremely important that the person who was the Giver during this session, is the first Receiver during the following session. You must take turns to set the date, time and scene.
  13. Do not have sex! There is method in the madness – trust this very well-researched therapy process!
  14. If you are struggling to fit in two sessions a week, it may be saying something about your priorities… We usually recommend a follow-up with your therapist within two weeks.

If you would like some more ideas and become a real expert at erotic message, we recommend reading the following book: Erotic Massage: The Tantric Touch of Love, by Kenneth Ray Stubbs.

Article written by Dr Elna Rudolph – Medical Doctor, Sexologist and Clinical Head of My Sexual Health.
086 7272950
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How’s Your Sex Drive?

Published by Bayer Men’s Health SA.

How’s Your Sex Drive? Interview discussion with Dr. Elna Rudolph. Brought to you by Bayer in the interest of men’s health. #owntheoomph

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When Your Libido Goes AWOL

When Your Libido Goes AWOL

By Catriona Ross, for Women’s Health Magazine.

Has your sex drive packed up and headed for the hills? Whether the reason’s medical or you simply need the right touch to get into the mood, you’re not alone.

So, while having lunch at your desk, you suddenly you recall how your man’s chest looked when he stepped out of the shower this morning, sculpted and glistening. Maybe he’ll be up for sex when he’s home from work, you speculate. I could greet him wearing only high heels… You’re smiling, already glowing with the mere anticipation of sex.

Sound familiar? Well, probably not, since statistics show that the norm for many women, especially those in long-term relationships and those with kids, is that they’re generally not in the mood for sex. The National Health and Social Life Survey, published in the US, showed that approximately 32% of women surveyed had experienced lack of libido.

Alexia* used to be proud of her healthy sex drive. An attractive working mom in her thirties with a five-year-old son, ruggedly hunky husband and a love of fast cars, she says her lusty libido has waned over the years and, at times, disappeared completely. ‘I had a lot of resentment towards my husband at one point and I didn’t want him to touch me with a barge pole. Also, having a child definitely affected our sex life and my libido. Eleven years into our relationship, the passion has gone in the bedroom,’ she admits.

There’s a multitude of physiological and psychological reasons why we may lose interest in sex, from high blood pressure to insufficient blood flow to the clitoris, to domestic boredom – but low libido may also simply be the standard mode for women in long-term relationships, experts believe, and your best bet is to cultivate an open mind.

When medication messes with your mojo

‘A few years ago, when I went onto antidepressants, I completely lost my libido, and yes, my husband did complain,’ says Jenna*, 34. ‘I couldn’t feel anything; it was like a local anaesthetic to my nether regions. The medication worked for the depression but not for my sex life: I didn’t want to have sex at all, but we were trying for a baby, so I had sex anyway. Mentally, I couldn’t function properly on this medication either. I told my psychiatrist, and as soon as he changed me to a different type of medication, things came right. It took about two weeks for the new medication to work and the old one to wear off – and all sensation came flooding back. It was lovely!’

Certain prescription antidepressants have a dramatic affect on one’s sex drive; a US report suggests that 33% of women taking antidepressants will experience a loss of libido and difficulty achieving orgasm. ‘The standard class of anti-depressants, SSRIs such as Prozac, are terrible for your libido as they affect your sex hormones,’ says Dr Elna Rudolph, sexual health physician and head of

Other drugs that may suppress your sex drive include antipsychotics, antiepileptic drugs, antihypertensives and diabetes medication, antihistamines taken daily (for hayfever, for instance) and pain medicine that’s taken daily. Of course, not taking medication you need, whether it’s for diabetes or depression, is dangerous, and potentially damaging to your libido. Depression, for example, affects your brain hormones, reducing levels of dopamine which affects your drive in general and therefore lowers libido.

Beware the contraceptive connection. ‘The better your Pill is for your skin, the worse it is for your libido,’ warns Rudolph. ‘The same applies to the patch, and the injection is the worst of all.’ As the authors of a 2011 US study into the Pill’s effects on clitoral and vulvar sensation explain, many women taking low oestrogen-dose combined oral contraceptive pills (OCPs) complain of decreased libido and arousal. OCPs result in decreased biologically-available testosterone, an important factor influencing female sexual drive. In the study, those women on OCPs were found to have significantly lower levels of free testosterone – approximately 38% lower – than those not on OCPs.

What you can do about it: According to Rudolph, anti-depressants such as Agomelatine, Bupropion and Trazodone have a neutral effect on the libido, but it’s essential to consult a professional before changing your prescription. Libido-wise, a better contraception option is the vaginal ring called the Nuva ring, the new oral contraceptive Qlaira, or Mirena – the T-shaped, hormone-releasing intrauterine (IUD) device, which works by not allowing sperm to enter the uterus and doesn’t affect your natural testosterone levels, although that’s not guaranteed for everyone, and it costs a few thousand rand. A copper T IUD device costs approximately R80 and doesn’t influence libido, but increases bleeding significantly, she adds.

The downside of having a baby

Tara*, 34, has been with Jerry* for seven years. They have a toddler, and she’s five months’ pregnant with their second child. ‘Sometimes I wonder, “Will I ever be up for sex again?” she sighs. ‘For the first year after our son was born, I was desperate for sleep, with just enough energy to survive each day; sex was superfluous. Each night I’d go to bed anxious, worrying about how many hours of sleep I could get before the baby woke up. I was so not available at night – night was sacred, for sleeping – so if we had sex, it had to be in the daytime.’

‘I felt resentful of Jerry, and I know he felt rejected, that I loved our baby more than him. We had our son in our bedroom for over a year, then we realised we needed to reclaim the marital bed and moved into the guest room downstairs, where we did have some fun times.’

Pregnancy and new motherhood are legendary libido killers – after all, ‘you’ve moved from being primarily a lover to primarily a mother,’ Rudolph notes. The strong hormonal changes associated with pregnancy and breastfeeding, combined with sleep deprivation and being under so much stress, will cause the natural libido to be suppressed in most women.’

What you can do about it: Make the marriage, and sex, a priority, Rudolph advises. ‘Take time out from your baby, make yourself look pretty and go on a date.’ It also helps not to have your child sleeping in your room. But don’t panic about the lack of sex, she says: ‘You could also choose to see yourself as just giving sex a break for a few months.’

When you’re programmed that way

Some people are genetically less wired for sex than others. Cherie*, a confident, outspoken woman in her forties, says, ‘I’ve never been interested in sex; once a month would be more than enough for me. This caused problems in my marriage almost from the start, especially after we had our two children. I’ve faked more orgasms than you can believe! I’m very independent, and my husband’s controlling ways also made me resentful, which had a huge impact on my already low libido. We had no sex for the last three years of our marriage. He’s a very good man – he remained faithful all those years and still loves me, but I can’t give him what he wants. I’ve been celibate for five years now and do not miss a sexual relationship at all, although I get plenty of opportunities. I like living alone; however, I miss the sharing, the closeness, the cuddling up in bed that a relationship brings. My ideal relationship would be with a man who doesn’t live with me, and who shares my low libido.’

What you can do about it: ‘Sex is all about hormones, and if your hormones aren’t in balance, you’re fighting a losing battle,’ says Rudolph. As a physician, her first approach with a patient is to stabilise her hormones to help her feel good, then suggest lifestyle changes. She runs through possibilities: ‘It could be more oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone, dopamine, being on the wrong pill, being menopausal.’ Also, be realistic about who you are. ‘If you’ve never been interested in sex, the chances of your becoming a nymphomaniac are not great,’ she says.

Body image blues

When you look in the mirror, do you see only your flaws? If so, chances are you’re obsessing over them in bed too. Women are generally very self-conscious about their bodies, explains clinical sexologist Catriona Boffard: if you have a negative view of your body, you probably won’t feel sexy and confident naked, ‘and it’s therefore less likely that you’ll want to take your clothes off in front of someone, even a long-term partner.’ For a woman, sex is about an emotional connection and feeling safe with your partner, she says. ‘Negative body image can have a direct impact on your libido by hindering your feelings of openness and emotional safety – even if your partner repeatedly tells you how beautiful you are.’

Lizette*, 27, says, ‘Last winter I picked up weight, and then put on more while on holiday in Mauritius. My boyfriend, Jaco*, and I stayed in a hotel where there were buffets, and we ate. My butt is big, man! I can feel my thighs are bigger, and I have cellulite. We were on beaches with people prancing around in their bikinis, and I felt self-conscious and not so attractive and sexually desirable. I need to feel that he desires me, as that turns me on. It’s affected my sex drive; I’ve told Jaco when I’m just not feeling it. He’s sporty and in good shape and he’s learnt not to say anything about my appearance. But when I complained recently about putting on weight, he said, “Maybe exercise a bit more? Go walking?”, whereas I wanted him to say, “You look fine,” and not try to fix me.’

What you can do about it: Get to know your body, intimate bits included, Boffard advises, as ‘understanding your body can help you feel more confident in your own skin. If keeping the lights on isn’t your thing, but your partner wants to see you, light candles and wear a sexy satin slip or lingerie that makes you feel more confident.’ But if deep-seated body issues from childhood are blocking you, book a few sessions with a psychologist.

Maybe you’re normal

For many women, feeling spontaneously horny is the exception rather than the norm, Rudolph says, so don’t think you’re abnormal or ill. Low libido may be a symptom of your too-rushed lifestyle: ‘Busy women see sex as a frivolous activity, so it slips down on your priority list, unless you realise how good it can be, and you see it as a form of stress relief.’

And perhaps it’s time the world stopped regarding low libido in women as a dysfunction. No, we don’t wake up with ‘morning glories’, but we certainly can get into the mood, given the right treatment. For us, the traditional male model of sexual functioning (first you feel horny, then you have sex) isn’t true. First, we need some sexy stimulation, then we start feeling like it. This alternative ‘circular model’ of female sexual response presented by Dr Rosemary Basson, a clinical professor in the department of psychiatry and director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Medicine Program: ‘…many of us, while sexually healthy and satisfied, agree they frequently begin a sexual experience sexually neutral,’ she wrote in a 2001 paper.

Also, women consider that attraction, passion, trust and intimacy are more significant than their genital response, according to research by British biomedical scientist Dr Roy Levin. So, we need to feel happy in a relationship to have good sex – or any sex at all!

What you can do about it:

‘If you’re a low-libido woman, don’t let sex go out the door,’ advises Rudolph. ‘Find ways of doing it for your own reasons, or you’ll eventually hate it if you’re only doing it for your husband’s sake. Besides, men hate “pity sex”; they want their partners fully involved.’

Make time to feed your brain, perhaps with movies or erotic literature that conform to your value system. (Don’t expect hard-core lesbian porn to excite you if you’re more of a romantic Mills & Boon type). This creates positive pathways in your brain regarding sex, making it easier for spontaneous desire to arise, Rudolph explains.

A holiday or weekend away can work some sexy magic, as your mind isn’t cluttered with daily To-Do lists. Anxiety is a passion-killer: overthinking problems causes an overproduction of cortisol, which can actually make sex painful. It helps to accept that you often won’t feel like sex, but stay open to sensitive, satisfying stimulation from your partner that’ll warm you up. Says Rudolph, ‘If, after foreplay, you don’t get in the mood, you can either disengage – or choose to continue with sex because it’s a fun, intimate thing to do, using lube if you’re unlubricated, or participate in a sexual encounter without penetration.’

Teach your man how to touch you, and know where each others’ arousal hotspots are. Melissa*, 30, says, ‘My boyfriend used to do this really deep massage on my buttocks and my inner thighs, which was such a turn-off for me; the lightest, feather-like touch is what gets my erogenous zones going. It took me years to actually tell him.’

*Names have been changed.


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Multiple Sclerosis: Your Guide to Sexual Health & Intimacy

Multiple Sclerosis: Your Guide to Sexual Health & Intimacy

Guide to sexual health and intimacy for people living with Multiple Sclerosis, and those who love them. By Dr. Elna Rudolph.

Sexuality is an integral part of every person. Whether you are in touch with it or not, whether you enjoy it or not, whether you can still do it or not – you remain a sexual being. We all have the need to feel loved and give love in return. Apart from that, most people experience great joy in being close to another person – physically and emotionally.

This guide provides information and suggestions to equip you to deal with some of the challenges you might be experiencing in your sexual journey due to your diagnosis of MS.

Download the full guide here.


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Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Sex Q & A with Dr. Elna Rudolph

Dr. Elna Rudolph answers a few questions about sex.

My partner wants to try anal sex more often, but I don’t enjoy it. I’m worried that if I don’t do it, he will feel unfulfilled…

There are certain no-no’s when it comes to sex in relationships and they are different for each couple. The one might never want to have sex unless she first had a shower, the other will never allow oral sex, and another will not do it with the lights on. These taboos should be respected by the partner, but it does not mean that they cannot shift when the reasons behind them are explored and some basic information with specific suggestions are given in the form of sex education or formal therapy.

When it comes to anal sex being one of the taboos, there are usually two reasons: Firstly some people have religious or moral issues with it. These can be quite difficult to shift and should sometimes just be respected. The other reason is that it is just too uncomfortable and therefore really not enjoyable. Guys expect that they will be able to just penetrate their partners as easily as it looks in porn. The reality is that most people have to go through a process to get used to being stimulated first around and then in the anus. Start with some light touch and rubbing and then move to inserting a well lubricated little finger and then progressively go larger from there. If you are really committed to it, you could also practice by yourself to get used to what it takes for the anal sphincter to relax. Like any muscle, it has the ability, but it takes time. If you perceive the attempt at penetration to be threatening and you anticipate the pain, the muscle will just go into spasm and make it more difficult and unpleasant.

How many times a week is it normal to masturbate? I’m in a long-term relationship and masturbate at least once a week, but my partner says he never does.

It depends on many things. If there is so-called “desire discrepancy” in a couple (which is the case in most relationships!) the partner with the higher desire is left frustrated if he or she does not masturbate. Masturbating is also a form of self-loving and soothing. You might get something completely different from masturbating than what you get from sex and therefore remain to have a need for it although you are in a very sexually fulfilling relationship. More than five times a week probably becomes excessive (according to international definitions anyway). It is also normal to never masturbate if you are in steady relationship. Whatever works for you.

I found a stash of lesbian porn on my husband’s computer and watched a video out of curiosity. It really got me off. What does this mean? Am I a closet lesbian?

Not necessarily. Up to 80% of women get turned on by some girl-on-girl action! You are a lesbian (if we have to use such a rigid term) if you would like to build a life with another woman. If lesbian porn excites you, you have just expanded your repertoire of excitement and fantasy.

I sometimes feel like my husband and I are more in the best friend zone than sexually connected. What can I do to get the spark back?

Make sure that you create special experiences when it comes to sex. The longer the relationship, the more difficult it is to create more and more exciting sexual experiences and then you get stuck in a rut.

It is however possible to create a special experience in a different way each time. Take time to make love through sensual massages and external stimulation, do the romantic candle lights and special music thing, make regular dates for love making, increase the oxytocin (bonding hormone) between you by looking each other in the eye, hugging and cuddling – all things to make a concerted effort to say: this is a special relationship with an intimate bond, not merely a friendship.

The more you are like friends, the more difficult these things are, but get started sooner rather than later!

How do I get my partner to go down on me more often?

Ask for it! Make sure you have the hair and hygiene under control and buy some special lubes that taste nice to encourage him. Returning the favor also goes a long way in encouraging him! (His favour might not be oral sex, it might be something else he loves that you are not doing frequently – find out what that is).

My guy doesn’t know how to make me climax – while he’s well-endowed, he’s not an expert at making it work. How do I nudge him in the right direction?

Firstly, you have to be honest about the fact that you are not getting there. Make it about you, not him. Tell him that there is only a specific way that works for you to come and you want to show him how to help you to get there. Show him how you do it and let him get involved in taking over more and more of the stimulation each time.

If he is offended by this and does not want to cooperate, think twice about sorting out a budget or raising kids with him!

How do I tell if he has an STI?

Sometimes you see a discharge, sore, blister, bump or wart in your genital area. It might have a bad smell or burn when you urinate. The reality is that most of the times you won’t even know about it. You will have to get tested.

I’ve just woken up from a night of tantric sex, but I’ve broken out in a nasty rash – I think it might be from the latex condoms we used. Are there any others we could try?

You could get latex-free condoms, but they are very difficult to find. Order them off the internet. It can also be due to oils you used for massaging.

I’m really in love with my partner but I struggle to get turned on by him. What should I do?

Check your hormone levels. Getting turned on is heavily dependent on testosterone. If you are taking an oral contraceptive, it breaks down and block your testosterone and therefore it is difficult to become sexually aroused. Some women just don’t produce enough testosterone. It can be supplemented through the skin, though. Never ever through injections!

My partner is amazing in bed, but he enjoys taking drugs before sex. I sometimes do it with him, but it bothers me that he wants to be high when we’re having sex. How do I tell him?

Be honest about it. tell him that you value the relationship and that you would like to have real intimacy with him and not just a fun, exhilarating experience. Ask him to do it your way every second time.

My partner is always super aroused when we’re in public, and not so much in private. While the thrill of getting caught is sexy, I’m over the riskiness. How do I get him to be as aroused when we’re at home?

It has to do with his sexual arousal template that was probably formed in his brain before the age of nine! He will have to learn that he has a very rigid arousal template and that it can actually be adapted and expanded. He also has to learn that sex is sometimes not that exciting, sometimes it is more special and for the purpose of bonding than for the purpose of that ultimate high. Guys with a rigid arousal template often have problems with real intimacy and if the problem is really severe, it should be addressed in therapy.

I’m very attracted to my partner, but during sex, I get uncomfortable and clamp up. How do I get over this?

That sounds like it could be vaginismus. We are a team of professionals that specialise in helping women deal with this problem. I wish there was a one-liner answer to that one, but unfortunately there isn’t. It’s usually caused by a combination of medical conditions, childhood trauma, religious upbringing with excessive guilt, poor sex education, psychological as well as relationship issues. These all need to be addressed for you to stop clamping up with the man you love.

Help! His penis is too big!

You can use muscle relaxants, better lube, vaginal dilators and even physiotherapy to get over this hurdle! There is also a device from Pure Romance, called Super Stretch Lips, that you can put over his penis to keep a part of it outside of the vagina during intercourse, but it is usually the girth that is the problem. Make sure you have pleeently of foreplay in order for your body to get ready for penetration.

Help! His penis is too small!

Make sure you get satisfied before penetration happens. You can also do kegel exercises and even see a physiotherapist that specialises in the area to help you strengthen your muscles in order to “feel” him better. A device like a We-Vibe also helps to improve the sensation during penetration if you need more than what he ‘has to offer’.

My boyfriend asked me to stick a finger in his bum while we were having sex. At first, I wasn’t keen, but eventually I agreed, and he said he had the most intense orgasm ever. Now he wants to do it all the time. Does this mean he’s gay?

No, not at all! It just means that he has discovered his p-spot. The nerve that supplies sensation this area is the same as the one that supplies your clitoris, so you do the math.

My new boyfriend has marathon-runner stamina in the bedroom. Sex goes on forever. I actually start getting bored and sometimes even chafed. How can I make him come faster?

Ask him to! If he can’t, he has what is called delayed ejaculation. Although it is a difficult condition to treat in sex therapy or sexual medicine, it can be done. Firstly, check if he is not on anti-depressant drugs that may be causing the problem. That can easily be changed to a different type, if it is the case. You can also tell him that you will help him come in another way or he can get himself there (which is usually much quicker) but you are only up for ten minutes of penetration in any one round (the vagina struggles to stay lubricated for longer than that in most women).

I want to do a striptease for my guy but I’m really uncoordinated and I’m worried it’s going to be more comedy than sexy. What’s the best costume to wear that’s easy and sexy to remove?

Probably a man’s shirt, tie and a top hat. Make sure you have the sexy stockings with dispensers and heals that you can still move in to complete the outfit (or at least that is what I’m told by the Carmen Electra Strip Tease DVD that was given by a friend! Not exactly the content covered in a Master’s Degree in Sexual Health!).

I don’t feel pain during sex, but afterwards, I bleed for two to three days, as if I’m having a period. What’s up?

You probably have an infection. See a gynae or doctor who knows something about this as soon as possible! Worst case scenario – it might be a cancer, so don’t wait!

I had my period twice last month. Google says it may be due to stress and my diet. But now I’m feeling some pain below my stomach. What could it be?

Ovarian cysts can cause abnormal bleeding and lower abdominal pain. You need to see a gynae or at least get a pelvic ultrasound done.

What can I do to reduce wetness before and during intercourse?

It may sound a bit strange, but you can just be practical about it and keep a towel handy to remove some of the excess moisture. We also compound a special cream to be applied into the vagina prior to sex to reduce the lubrication. Just also check for an infection. Sometimes the wetness is not lubrication but actually from an infection. Another option is to go onto a low dose estrogen contraceptive. That often causes vaginal dryness which could help in your case.

How do I tighten and strengthen my vaginal muscles?

You can get lots of information about Kegel Exercises on the internet – with different variations and programmes. Many women find it difficult to isolate these muscles and end up squeezing everything but their vaginal muscles. There are physiotherapists who specialise in this area. They will teach you how to do it through biofeedback.

My husband is 63; I’m 31, but he wants sex every day – sometimes twice a day! I can’t keep up. What should I do?

It can be that he just has a very healthy appetite but it can also be that he has a discomfort in his pelvic area that is released through intercourse, something called persistent genital arousal disorder, or it might be that he has an addiction. With professional help, it can be established which one of the three it is. The point however, is that his high desire cannot be your responsibility. You can have sex as many times as you are willing and able to, but the rest of the time, he will have to sort it out himself.

It can also be a hormonal imbalance which can be addressed medically, so get help if you are taking strain.

I lost my brother six months ago, but am still feeling the loss so I have bouts of depression that kill my sex drive to the point where I don’t even want to be touched or kissed, and its taking strain on my marriage. I can’t take anything hormone based as I have a factor 5 laiden disorder. Is there anything I can do or try to help me out my slump?

One the one hand you just have to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to get over this extremely traumatic life experience. It takes time and it is normal to lose your libido when you have depression.

On the other hand, make sure you get professional help. See a psychologist and take an anti-depressant that does not take your libido away. Something that works very well, but only if you are not anxious, is a drug called bupropion. It can actually boost your libido even if you don’t have depression.

My cramps before and during my period are awful! Is there anything I can do to ease them?

You can go onto the pill or have the Mirena inserted. Natural medicine like Premular or Femiscript also helps. Many women find benefit from using Evening Primrose Oil.

My IUD cut my guy during sex. Is something wrong?

Yes, definitely! It is falling out and probably not effective as a contraceptive anymore! Have it removed and replaced immediately. Sometimes when the strings are cut too short, they sting the partner, but if he got a cut, it was from the actual device itself and it should be removed.

My partner and I are both virgins. How can we make our first time really special?

By taking it really slow. Make sure you have covered base one, two and three before you try to have sex. Also make sure he can insert two fingers into your vagina without hurting you. Don’t expect to have orgasms, just enjoy the uncharted waters of really being one for the first time. You can add more movement and stimulation as time goes on.

My friends say they love having their nipples played with. Mine aren’t sensitive so I don’t really enjoy it. Is there something wrong with me?

No, you probably have other areas that get you going, focus on those and make sure you partner knows about them. If they are not very sensitive, normal kissing and sucking might not feel like much to you. Try a bit more pressure that goes towards pain (but not painful) – that could be very intense and pleasurable for women with nipples that are not very sensitive. Vibration also makes a difference.

What does an orgasm feel like?

It is different for every women – some say it feels like sneezing and others like dying! You have to find out for yourself. One thing that all orgasms have in common is a climax (or a few of them) and then a fall. There is a definite point where you can feel that you are experiencing a release. If the release is gradual or the pleasurable sensation just kind of weans off, you did not have an orgasm. You will know if you did.

I keep getting yeast infections, but my guy won’t treat himself at the same time.

Yeast infections love the vaginal pH, they usually don’t survive on a guy’s penis. The fact that you are getting recurrent infections is not due to him not being treated, it is most likely due to you not being sufficiently treated, or it might not a yeast infection but bacterial vaginosis or even an STI. If it is an STI, he will need to be treated as well. Guys get candida only if they have very low immunity like with HIV or diabetes.

Getting rid of yeast infections often require repeated regular dosages of oral anti-fungal medication, restoring the balance of the pH in your vagina and removing triggers for yeast infections like bubble baths and food that is high in sugar.

We often see atypical yeast infections like candida glabrata. You should get a vaginal swab MCS and ask for specific culture and sensitivity for the candida.


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Why Fit Women Have Much Better Sex

Why Fit Women Have Much Better Sex

By Cindy Kuzma. Partly edited by Dr. Elna Rudolph.

The perfect playlist helps get you in the mood. Sweat beads on your skin, your heart races and your muscles contract. By the time you’re finished, you’re breathless, maybe drained, but also gloriously satisfied.

What popped to mind first – your last great workout or your last sex session? Working out and getting busy between the sheets run along parallel cardiovascular, muscular and neurological pathways, which is why they set off similar chain reactions.

Recently, researchers have made important discoveries about the body and brain connections of sex and exercise. “Being physically active seems to be a potent aphrodisiac for women,” says Dr Tina Penhollow, an associate professor of health promotion, who has published research on how exercise affects sexual self-esteem and self-perception. In fact, regular exercise may play a more important role in sexual satisfaction than many other factors, including stress, weight – even your current relationship status (or lack thereof).

It makes sense then, that taking charge in the gym can lead to surprising benefits in the bedroom, and vice versa. In case you don’t believe us, read on for eight verified ways in which your workout can benefit your sex life.

1. Sharpen your focus

All too common: he’s showing you his best moves, but you’re thinking about your to-do list. “Exercise can help sync your mind to your body, as well as quiet your racing brain so you can focus on the task at hand”, says Dr Lori Brotto, director of the Sexual Health Laboratory at the University of British Columbia in Canada. If you engage in vigorous exercise regularly, you may not realise it, but you are also training your mind to become extremely focused.  Use this same focus when you are in bed together – focus on your breathing, the natural deeper breathing will make you more and more aroused. In the same way you do when you exercise, you focus on maintaining a rhythm, listen to the queues from your body to enhance pleasure. During exercise, you may push yourself harder or slow down a little – try doing the same in bed.

2. Fast-track your happy ending

Studies have shown that women who frequently exercise become aroused more quickly and are able to orgasm faster and more intensely. US researchers found that female study participants were 169 percent more aroused (as indicated by blood flow in genital tissue) while watching a short porn flick after 20 minutes of vigorous cycling than when they watched it without riding beforehand (and no, it had nothing to do with saddle placement). When you get excited, blood surges into the clitoral bulbs, making the entire region around the vagina responsive to pleasure. Cardio helps blood pump faster to the right parts of your body (great!); it can also reduce chronic inflammation, which can damage blood vessels and decrease circulation, putting a damper on your sexual bliss. Got your running shoes on yet?

3. Hit the sweet spot with HIIT

A healthy pair of lungs helps express your elation with more gusto, of course, but you’ll have a lot more to scream about if you learn to control your breath. Partners who breathe in tandem may create a bigger build-up, which can intensify pleasure. And women who take short, quick breaths as they reach climax – rather than holding their breath – may reduce carbon dioxide in the blood, possibly intensifying vaginal contractions. High-intensity interval training is one way to increase lung capacity; or try the 1:2 Pranayama yoga breathing technique. Lie on your back, knees bent, and take deep breaths. Increase the length of your exhalation until it’s double your inhalation. Aim for four seconds in, eight seconds out. Do this every day for five minutes with your partner. You’ll be vocalising your gratification through the grand finale later that night.

4. Rev your libido in the weights room

During a single resistance workout, your body produces higher levels of growth hormone and testosterone, hormones that play a pivotal role in muscle growth – and sex drive. A 2013 study found that hitting the weight room regularly (three days a week) keeps levels of these hormones higher. That, along with the stress-busting benefits of pumping iron, can stoke greater sexual desire, says Kim Chronister, author of The Psychology Behind Fitness Motivation.

5. Increase endurance with kettlebells

Some women can take 12 minutes – or longer – to orgasm. Many women are out of breath with minimal exercise long before 12 minutes.  Make sure you are fit enough to get every possible ounce of pleasure from sex.  Once you’re there, about to orgasm, you definitely don’t want to miss out due to a lack of endurance! If your body fizzles out prior to that, you may be missing out, says sex therapist Denise Onofrey. Regular physical activity improves stamina and trains your muscles to hold out longer by using energy more efficiently. The result? You won’t have to pause prematurely to give your aching arms or tired legs a break during your next epic sex session. Try adding two sets of eight barbell squats and kettlebell lunges to your workout to strengthen your glutes, quads, hamstrings and biceps, which will take the brunt of the exertion during most bedroom workouts.

6. Feel sexier with a sweat session

Turns out, exercise also transforms the way you view your body – and how you enjoy sex. Penhollow found that women who exercised frequently and reported higher levels of personal fitness were more likely to rate their desirability and sexual performance high above average. Researchers found that women of all <ital.> sizes who reported greater body appreciation (for their physical abilities, such as progress in the weight room) were more easily aroused, enjoyed sex more and had more orgasms.

7. Lighten your mood

Even feeling just a little down in the dumps can weaken desire, says Chronister. Exercise leads to an immediate rush of mood-lifting, stress-dissolving endorphins; it’s such a potent antidepressant that some research suggests regular workouts are as effective as psychiatric medications.

8. Shed weight and your inhibitions

Some women get seriously distracted – even totally turned off – when their partner touches one of their less-than-favourite body parts mid-romp. A consistent workout routine can help: when Italian researchers put a small group of obese women with sexual complaints in a supervised weight-loss program (that included diet and about 10 hours of low-intensity exercise per week), they not only lost an average of 15kg, but also reported higher levels of lubrication and sexual frequency after 16 weeks. Study authors note that weight loss does more than improve body image: it also helps improve insulin resistance. Overweight women whose bodies can’t use the hormone to process glucose also tend to have lower levels of testosterone, which dampens self-confidence and sexual response.

9. Heighten sensitivity with cardio

And we don’t mean crying during sex. The tissue that forms the clitoris contains 8 000 nerve fibres that extend into the entire pelvic region, including the vaginal walls. US researchers found that physical activity can also prime your body for sexual activity by making you more sensitive to touch and increasing the effect of stimuli by revving up a network of neurons that control your arousal.

True Or False

We separate sexercise facts from fiction…

You can orgasm mid-exercise

TRUE. US researchers found that about 40 percent of women who reported having an exercise-induced orgasm (better known as “coregasms”) said it happened suring ab exercises, like leg raises. Next in line? Weight-lifting (27 percent), yoga (20 percent) and cycling (16 percent).

Sex counts as a workout

FALSE. Nice try, but in most cases, sex should be filed in the “light activity” category –next to bowling or a casual stroll. According to the Women’s Health/Men’s Health 2014 Sex Survey, you want sex to last 30 minutes. Even if it’s super intense, the effort isn’t enough to get you a free pass from the gym.

Cycling can hurt your hoo-ha

TRUE, but rarely: the excessive pressure that exists in cycling and horse riding is reported to cause sexual dysfunction, says Dr Irwin Goldstein, editor of The Journal Of Sexual Medicine. These activities can increase the risk of damage to your pudendal nerve, which sends signals to and from your clitoris. Wearing padded shorts can help reduce pressure.

The Power Of Pleasure

Having more sex can actually score you better results from your workouts. Solo sex counts too!


Research shows that female pain tolerance increases significantly during orgasm, thanks to a rush of hormones that act as natural painkillers. The effect can linger for up to two days, so there’s another pay-off: you may be able to push a little harder during your next workout.


People with active sex lives tend to work out more and have better dietary habits than those who get it on less often. Why? During sex, as well as exercise, your brain releases higher levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that fuels motivation. The brain learns to seek more both in the bedroom and the gym, says Kim Chronister, author of The Psychology Behind Fitness Motivation.


After an orgasm, levels of prolactin and oxytocin rise, bringing on a drowsy feeling, which helps improve sleep quality over time, says Chronister. That’s crucial for your fitness: sleep spikes levels of muscle-building hormones and aids recovery.


Research has found that women who have more orgasms and more frequent sex may have a higher resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes.

The Better-Sex Workout

Kegels aren’t the only exercise with down-below pay-offs. Bring on the fireworks with these four simple strength moves from trainer Jennifer Searles. For more gratifying sessions in the sack, mix three sets of each into your regular gym routine up to three days a week.


This motion improves hip mobility and glute strength to increase your dynamic power (or, shall we say, your thrust capacity).

DO IT: Lie face-up on the floor, knees bent and feet flat (A). Press through your heels to raise your hips so your body forms a straight line from shoulders to knees (B); squeeze your glutes for 10 seconds, then lower hips without letting them touch the floor. That’s one rep. Do 12.


This isometric move builds strength in stillness – perfect for helping you hold tricky positions longer.

DO IT: Lean against a wall with your feet about 60cm away from it, then bend your knees to 90 degrees and raise your arms in front of you. Hold for 60 seconds. (Too easy? Place a weight in your lap.)


Whether you have a kinky new pose you’re dying to try or you just want to be able to wrap your legs around him, developing more hip flexibility is crucial.

DO IT: Kneel with one foot in front of you, knees bent at 90 degrees. Keep your torso upright and rest your hands on your hips (A). Gently push your hips forward as far as you can, maintaining an upright torso (B). Hold for 10 to 20 seconds, then repeat on the other side.

Quick Tip

Increase the intensity of the stretch by raising your opposite arm straight overhead.


Be warned: this core toner may cause more intense Os.

DO IT: Lie face-up on the floor, arms out, and raise both legs to 90 degrees (A). Keeping your legs together and core engaged, slowly lower your legs, stopping just before they touch the floor (B). Pause, then slowly raise them back to start. That’s one rep; do 10.

Quick Tip

Keep your legs tightly together and your knees slightly bent.


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Die groot O

Die groot O

Deur Mariette Snyman, oorspronklik gepubliseer in Rooi Rose. Gedeeltelik aangepas deur Dr. Elna Rudolph.

Die ekstase van orgasme – of die afwesigheid daarvan – is vir baie mense ‘n taboe-onderwerp. Maar die invloed wat dit op vroue se welsyn en verhoudings het, moenie onderskat word nie.

Wat sou jy antwoord as iemand jou vra of jy graag op álle vlakke voluit wil leef? Sluit dit vervulling op seksuele gebied in? En indien jou antwoord “ja” is, speel die ervaring van orgasme hier ‘n sleutelrol?

Dié eenvoudige vrae kan ingewikkelde antwoorde hê. Talle vroue wil graag ‘n orgasme beleef, maar het nog nooit. Sommige sou dit graag meer dikwels wou ervaar. Vir baie is dit alledaags, terwyl ander voel dis van minder belang.

Daarby het die samelewing gemengde gevoelens oor die spontane genieting van die seksuele. Enersyds is daar ‘n ooraanbod van eksplitisiete kyk- en leesstof; andersyds het baie van ons grootgeword met die oortuiging dat lekkerkry sleg of sondig is.

Om die saak verder te kompliseer, is daar onsekerheid oor watter soort orgasme “reg” is. Mense wonder of orgasme die fokuspunt van seksuele omgang behoort te wees, of gelyktydige orgasme ‘n realistiese oogemerk is, en oor verskeie ander sake.

Voor ons na verwagtinge, feite en oplossings vir knelkwessies rakende orgasme kyk, kan ons die goedvoelkarakter van orgasme van nader beskou.

“Die daaglikse ervaring van genot is noodsaaklik vir gesondheid en geluk en nié bloot ‘n luukse nie,” sê die Amerikaanse ginekoloog en topverkoperskrywer, dr. Christiane Northrup. In haar boek The secret pleasures of menopause (Hay House, 2008) beskryf sy die omvangryke voordele van die vrystelling van stikstofmonoksied, ‘n gas wat deur ons liggame vervaardig word. Dit stimuleer onder meer ons bloedsomloop, weerstand teen infeksie, weefselherstel en produksie van neuro-oordragstowwe, en gee ons gemoedstoestand en lewenslus ‘n hupstoot.

Interessant genoeg word stikstofmonoksied vrygestel wanneer ons iets ervaar wat vir ons lekker is. “Alle gesonde, volhoubare genietinge baai ons brein en liggaam in hierdie lewegewende gas. Tydens orgasme is daar ‘n ontploffing daarvan. Ons liggame is ontwerp om onbeperkte hoeveelhede plesier te ervaar.”

Hierdie positiewe siening van ons plesierpotensiaal word versterk as ons in ag neem dat die klitoris, wat verantwoordelik is vir seksuele opwekking, suiwer daar is vir vroulike genot. Dit het geen ander funksie nie.

Verwagtinge en feite

“Mans heg baie waarde aan hul verhoudingsmaats se vermoë om ‘n orgasme te kry,” sê dr. Elna Rudolph, kliniese hoof van die MySexualHealth Kliniek in Pretoria en Kaapstad. “In ‘n omvattende studie is 7000 mans uit vyf lande gevra watter aspek van hul seksuele lewe vir hulle die heel belangrikste is. Die gemiddelde antwoord was nie die intensiteit, duur, of ‘n ander faset van hul eie belewenis nie, maar of hul maat ‘n orgasme bereik.”

Hierdie voorkeur stel hoë eise aan vroue. Fisiek is dit moeiliker vir ‘n vrou om ‘n orgasme te kry, en die nodige stimulasie neem veel langer as vir ‘n man. “Ongeveer 5% van alle vroue kry nooit ‘n orgasme nie. Net 30% kry gereeld ‘n klimaks tydens seksuele omgang, en ‘n verdere 30% bereik ‘n orgasme met bykomende klitorale stimulasie tydens penetrasie en ‘n verderder 30% slegs met klitorale stimulasie, nooit tydens omgang nie.”

Onder die verskillende tipes orgasme tel vaginale, klitorale en kombinasie-orgasmes. ‘n Vaginale orgasme vind plaas wanneer die vagina intern voldoende gestimuleer word. ‘n Klitorale orgasme is die gevolg van genoegsame stimulering van die klitoris. Omdat die vagina beduidend minder senu-eindpunte as die klitoris het, vind orgasme makliker plaas wanneer daar ook klitorale prikkeling is – ‘n kombinasie-orgasme.

Baie mense het vooroordele teenoor klitorale en kombinasie-orgasmes, deels omdat die vader van die psigoanalise, Sigmund Freud, klitorale orgasme in die vorige eeu as ‘n “adolessente verskynsel” genoem en beweer het dat “volwasse vroue” suiwer vaginale orgasmes het.

Die kontroversiële G-kol – ‘n erotiese sone op die boonste, voorste wand van die vagina – kan tot orgasme en moontlike ejakulasie lei wanneer dit gestimuleer word.  Die ejakulaat is ‘n kleurlose vloeistof wat net by sommige vroue voorkom.

Sommige vroue kry veelvuldige orgasmes – meer as een op ‘n keer. Nagtelike orgasmes kom voor wanneer erotiese drome ‘n vrou tot ‘n klimaks dryf.  Onwilleurige orgasmes vind soms plaas tydens verkragting of gedwonge seksuele verkeer, en kan skuldgevoelens tot gevolg hê. Anale orgasmes is die gevolg van anale prikkeling; die anus deel ‘n wand met die vagina en dieselfde senuweevoorsiening. Vollyforgasmes duur langer as “gewone” orgasmes en kan kontraksies van liggaamsdele soos die buik, hande en voete asook spirituele piekervarings insluit. Dit word gewoonlik met tantriese seks verbind.

Wat kan skeefloop?

Talle faktore kan orgasmes verhoed, vertraag of strem. Hieronder tel mediese toestande soos diabetes en hartsiektes; die newe-effekte van medikasie, wat sekere soorte slaap- en angswerende middels insluit; alkohol; bindweefselvorming weens verskeie operasies in die omgewing van die bekken; depressie; moegheid; spanning; verhoudingsprobleme; ‘n verhoudingsmaat se seksuele disfunksie of gebrek aan bedrewenheid in die liefdespel; te min tyd of privaatheid; aandagafleibaarheid; ‘n gebrek aan eiewaarde; ‘n swak liggaamsbeeld; morele en geloofswaardes wat die genieting van seks bemoeilik; gevoelens oor huidige of vroeëre intieme verhoudings, en traumatiese ervarings.

“Fisiek gesproke moet die senuweestimulasie en bloedtoevoer in die bekken voldoende wees vir orgasme om plaas te vind,” sê Elna. “Die spiere moet kan ontspan én saamtrek. Verder moet die breinhormone in goeie balans wees.

“Elke vrou moet op ‘n sekere manier gestimuleer word, en sy moet die stimulasie biologies en sielkundig kan prosesseer. Dit beteken sy moet genoeg vertroue in haar maat hê sodat sy bereid is om beheer te verloor in sy teenwoordigheid. Goeie kommunikasie is noodsaaklik.

“Ek sien dikwels paartjies met die volgende geskiedenis: toe hulle getroud is, het hulle min van seks geweet. Voorspel het nie ‘n groot rol gespeel nie en die vrou het nie orgasmes gekry nie. Toe die kinders kom, was sy altyd moeg en wou sy seks net so gou moontlik verby kry. Die man het dus nooit die geleentheid gehad om te leer hoe om haar behoorlik op te wek nie.

“In haar veertigs of vyftigs begin sy boeke lees en met vriendinne gesels, en kom agter sy mis iets. Nou wil sy orgasmes ervaar, en sy is ontevrede. Die man voel hy is ‘n slegte lover en kan hom aan die verhouding onttrek.

“Vir hierdie en ander scenarios is daar raad. Omdat soveel faktore betrokke is, benader ek en my kollegas by die sentrum pasiënte multidissiplinêr. Ons kyk watter persentasie van die probleem biologies, sielkundig, en sosiaal is, en pas die behandeling daarby aan. Dit kan medikasie, fisioterapie, psigo-, verhoudings- en ander vorme van terapie insluit.

Watter oplossings is daar wanneer ‘n vrou sukkel om ‘n klimaks te bereik?

“Tydens seksterapie begin ons gewoonlik deur seker te maak dat daar baie goeie stimulasie is tydens voorspel – ons luister na presies wat paartjies doen en maak dan voorstelle om die stimulasie te verbeter.  Ek maak ook altyd eers seker dat die mediese oorsake aangespreek en medikasie aangepas word om dit so maklik as moontlik te maak.

“Indien al die voorgenoemde in plek is, maar orgasme ontwyk die vrou nogsteeds, gaan dit dalk nodig wees om daardie eerste orgasme alleen te probeer kry met gewone selfstimulasie.  Die druk wat daar op haar is wanneer haar maat by is, veroorsaak ‘n ongunste biochemiese omgewing in haar brein wat orgasme sal verhoed.  Sy moet heeltemal ontspanne wees, sonder enige druk en dit gaan sy waarksynlik net op haar eie regkry.

“Die aard en toereikendheid van seksuele stimulasie – veral van die klitoris – is deurslaggewend. Vroue wat probleme met orgasme ervaar, kan daarby baat vind om hul eie liggaam in hul eie tyd te leer ken en vas te stel presies wat hulle plesier gee. Wanneer hulle op hul eie ‘n orgasme kan bereik, kan hulle hul maat wys wat vir hulle werk en dit dan saam te geniet.

“Hierdie proses is nie so eenvoudig as wat dit klink nie. Baie mense is grootgemaak met die gedagte dat masturbasie onaanvaarbaar is. Wanneer hulle verstaan hoe dit kan help om hulle na orgasme te lei, stel ek ‘n program voor wat hulpmiddels soos erotiese leesstof insluit. Niemand hoef ‘wilde boeke’ te lees nie – hulle kies leesstof wat kongruent met hul oortuigings is. Dieselfde geld vir musiek en flieks.

“Nog ‘n uitstekende hulpmiddel is ‘n klein vibrator. Dit word bloot gebruik om bloedvloei na die klitoris te stimuleer. Dis van groot waarde vir vroue wat leer om op hul eie ‘n klimaks te bereik, of wanneer vaginale stimulasie tydens omgang nie tot orgasme lei nie. Hierdie vibrators is by MySexualHealth, of beskikbaar.

“Vir orgasme is ‘n verhoogde staat van opwekking nodig. Dit het met jou hele wese te make. Jy kan leer om jou sintuie te gebruik om in die oomblik te wees deur in ‘n gegewe moment op ‘n spesifieke sensasie te fokus sonder om dit in jou kop te probeer omskryf.

“Party mense het iets meer opwindends nodig as dit wat hulle in die oomblik ervaar. Dan kan ‘n fantasie waarin jy jou ervaring na ‘n woud, ‘n strand of selfs ‘n publieke plek verplaas, die verskil maak. Weer eens moedig ek pasiënte aan om fantasieë te gebruik wat met hul oortuigings strook.

“’n Nuttige wenk is dat vroue daarteen moet waak om hul mond tydens die liefdespel toe te maak. As jy op natuurlike wyse saam met die ritme asemhaal, kry jy makliker ‘n orgasme. Jy en jou maat moet kan hoor waarmee julle besig is!

“Wees ook bewus van jou liggaamshouding. Haal die kussing onder jou kop uit en sorg dat jou postuur oop en ontspanne is.

“Baie vroue besef nie dat voorbehoedmiddels hul hormone op ‘n manier kan beïnvloed wat die belewing van orgasme benadeel nie. In sulke gevalle beveel ek eerder die gebruik van ‘n Mirena aan.”

Is orgasme – veral gelyktydige orgasme – die toppunt van seksuele ervaring? Die term “voorspel” impliseer immers dat enige seksuele stimulasie blote voorbereiding vir die “hoofgebeurtenis” is.

“Seks gaan nie primêr oor orgasme nie. Baie vroue kan bevredigende seksuele ervarings hê sonder orgasme. Ek sê altyd vir vroue dis hul reg om elke keer wanneer hulle seks het ‘n orgasme te kry, maar dis nie verpligtend nie. Die keuse behoort aan hulle.

“Omdat mans en vroue se liggame so verskillend werk, is gelyktydige orgasme nie ‘n maklik bereikbare doelstelling nie. Dis ‘n bonus!”

Meer inligting by 086 727 2444, of


Lindie* (29) werk in die skoonheidsbedryf en is twee jaar gelede met haar skoolliefde, Allan*, getroud nadat hulle ‘n ruk saamgebly het.

“Ek het konserwatief grootgeword. As daar ‘n sekstoneel op TV was, het my ma gesê: ‘Maak jou oë toe’ – selfs toe ek al 18 was. Ek het nie eens daaraan gedink om te masturbeer nie.”

Lindie het nooit ‘n orgasme gehad nie. “Vroeg in ons verhouding het ek in ‘n intieme oomblik gedink ek gaan climax. Allan het sy hand oor my mond gesit want daar was ander mense in die huis. Dit het my geblok. Daarna het ek nooit weer tot by daardie vlak van opwekking gevorder nie.

“Dit het my altyd gehinder, veral toe iemand eendag in ‘n geselskap sê as jy nog nie ‘n orgasme ervaar het nie, het jy nog nie regtig seks gehad nie.

“Ek het by ‘n vriendin van dr. Elna Rudolph gehoor. Dit het my verstom dat Elna so gemaklik oor seks praat. Toe sy voorstel dat ek ‘n vibrator kry en verduidelik hoe ek dit moet gebruik, het ek gedink daar is geen manier waarop ek dít sou doen nie! Ek was te skaam. Ná drie dae het ek egter besluit ek kon niks verloor deur dit te probeer nie. Ek het die bullet by ‘n webwerf bestel.

“Ek moes eers op my eie probeer om ‘n orgasme te kry. Aanvanklik was ek baie gespanne. Toe dit uiteindelik gebeur, was ek so chuffed met myself dat ek ‘n dag lank loop en glimlag het. My man wou weet wat aan die gang was! Ek was baie skaam om die vibrator voor hom te gebruik, maar het gou gemaklik geraak daarmee. Hy het gesê ek weet nie hoeveel dit vir hom beteken dat ek ons liefdespel so geniet nie.

“Ek is bly ek het hierdie ervaring op dié tydstip in my lewe gehad. My liggaamsbeeld is beter as in my vroeë twintigs, en ek is gemakliker met wie ek is. Ek oefen en leef gesond, wat my selfbeeld positief beïnvloed. En ek weet hoe om die orgasmes te waardeer!

“Vir enige vrou met dieselfde probleem wil ek sê: moenie moed verloor nie. Jy is nie alleen nie. Jy kan jou lyf terugkry!”


Het jy geweet?

Orgasme …

  • Verlig slaaploosheid, spanning en angs
  • Kikker die gemoed op natuurlike wyse op
  • Verbeter kardiovaskulere gesondheid en verlaag die risiko van tipe 2-diabetes
  • Verhoed en verlig servikale inflammasie en urienweginfeksies
  • Help die liggaam se natuurlik ontgiftingsproses aan
  • Versterk die spiere van die bekkengordel
  • Kan help om ‘n dreigende migraine-aanval in sy spore te stuit
  • Verhoog pyndrempels
  • Vermeerder oksitosoon-vlakke, wat verbind word met passie, intuïsie en sosiale vaardighede
  • Help om menopousale vroue se vaginale membrane gesond te hou


“Becoming orgasmic” deur Julia R Heiman en Joseph Lopiccolo, Fireside, 1987

“Dr Eve se seksboek: ‘n gids vir jongmense” deur dr. Marlene Wasserman, Human & Rousseau, 2008

“Die koekieboek” deur Maritza Breitenbach, Paddycat, 2012

“Menopause made easy” deur Carolle Jean-Murat, Hay House, 1999.

Sien ook Ons artikelMenopouse: ‘n sensueler jy” het meer inligting oor stikstofmonoksied, slaapkamersake, ensomeer.